Accepting Imperfection

One of the biggest lessons of parenthood is about accepting imperfection.  Your own, your baby's... life's.  I am far from the perfect parent... every day when I go to bed I must forgive myself the many tiny imperfections of the way to parented that day.  Every day I have to accept things that haven't gone quite the way I would like, to accept a lack of control over events, circumstances, people... life.  To accept each moment as it is, not as I thought it should be.  To embrace mess and chaos.

Because I've come to realise that the perfect parent doesn't exist.  We're all just doing the best we know how and being the best we are able to be.  Because nobody is perfect and the sooner we accept imperfection in ourselves and others, the sooner we can truly be present to what IS, to appreciate the beauty that can be found in the speckled imperfections of life.

I have so many blog posts stored up in my head.  I can see how they look, how they sound, how the words flow perfectly.  But somehow I haven't written them down yet, because I know that when it comes to it, I won't be able to make them as perfect as the ideas in my head.  I know there will be flaws, places where I couldn't find quite the right picture, sentences that don't flow quite right.  And so it all goes unsaid, unwritten, because I can't accept my own imperfection.

From now on, I'm going to try to just embrace the imperfection.  To accept that I am MY version of a mother, MY version of a person, MY version of a writer - and that the imperfections are really the things that make us who we are, and that's ok.  I'm going to try to realise that life is better lived imperfectly out loud than perfectly in my head.

I think blog posts are much better with pictures - easier to read, more interesting.  This blog post doesn't have a picture.

Expect much more imperfection from me to come :-)

4-8 Months: The Big Move Out West

It is beyond time for an update!

We survived the great move across the desert to the wild wild west when bubba was 6 months old and have spent a couple of months settling in.  The house was ready almost as soon as we arrived and we moved in after only just over a week at Daddy C’s sisters’ house.  I’m loving the house, the area, the city, the weather – everything!  I even have a part time job Mondays to Wednesdays now, which is great for a bit of grown up time… not to mention pocket money!  I’ve also met a few local mums.  Daddy C has a high falutin new job and it’s safe to say the move is suiting us very well so far.

We still have a bit of furniture to buy to kit the house out and the front and back lawns need landscaping… so it will be fun to get those things underway and see the house come together over the next few months.

Bubba has grown up a crazy amount.  The difference between 4 months and 8 months is immense and amazing!  Seeing as I have let this blog lapse for far too long, I thought I would do a little month by month update of the last little while.

Baby on a Plane!

4 MONTHS: At four months, she was definitely still a baby.  She couldn’t sit unaided, roll or move and still hated tummy time.  We started a bit of spoon fed solids around 4.5 months which she absolutely loved.  Vocalising consisted mainly of squeals and some giggles.

4 months old and not to sure about this whole Christmas thing...

5 MONTHS: Right toward the end of five months, she started sitting forward a little bit when propped to sit on the couch.  However, she was definitely still way too unstable to sit on her own unsupported and there was still no rolling or movement.  She was still enjoying her spoon fed mash and was starting to try to steal the spoon to do it herself.  At the end of the month, we packed up the house in Melbourne, shipped our stuff, and then went to New Zealand for the week.  Her sleeping started becoming very disturbed during this period – I’m not sure if it was an age thing or if she was sensing all the changes happening, but we started having difficulty going to sleep and night time wake ups again (after sleeping through since 9 weeks old!).

5 months old and gorgeous :-)

6 MONTHS: Bubba had her 6 month birthday on the plane from New Zealand to Perth!  For the first week and a half, we stayed with Daddy C’s sister and niece while the house was being finalised.  During this time, a lot of things happened in bubbaland!  She started to prop herself up with her hands in a sitting position, although was still a little wobbly.  She learned to roll from back to tummy and started sleeping in a side-lying position.  And she got sick for the first time, with a head cold.  That was a particularly awful few days, all she did was cry and sleep and her nose was all stuffy.  She would sleep for only 30-40 minute periods before needing cuddles and consoling again, right around the clock.  It was exhausting and heartbreaking at the same time.  Luckily it only lasted for around 3-4 days until she was back to her happy self.  This was also the time that I weaned her from breastfeeding to bottle feeding, which was surprisingly easier than I expected, but I plan to write about this separately soon.

My poor sick baby :-(

By the end of the month, she was starting to sit better unaided , although still tended to fling herself backward without warning and get upset when she hit her head!  She was also rolling happily both ways.  We also got a highchair and began a fully Baby Led Weaning approach, with her eating only foods she could pick up herself.  She absolutely loves it and it’s surprising her manual dexterity in getting food to her mouth.

Beautiful clever girl at 6 months old

7 MONTHS: During this month, bubba’s sitting became much more confident, so that towards the end of the month, she was easily able to be plonked down in sitting position without fear that she would fall backward or sideways and hurt/stun herself.  She started moving around in circles while on her tummy.  And finally, a few days before her 8 month birthday, she figured out the inchworm maneouver!  This move has come in leaps and bounds from the moment she figured it out and she now scoots all over the place, mostly in attempt to get at the power cords and playstation controllers, which are far more interesting than her actual toys!

7 (almost 8) months old and learning to inchworm... all because she wants the power cords!

At around 7 months , Mum got her part time job and bubba started going to family daycare three days a week.  This is where another mother takes some children into her own home during the day, as opposed to using a big childcare centre.  I am really happy with this smaller, more one on one approach, the lady lives just around the corner from us, is absolutely lovely and I feel her approach to caring for babies is similar to mine.  I feel really happy leaving bubba there and I actually feel that she is thriving on all the stimulation and contact with new people and things.

Enjoying her food at family daycare!

8 MONTHS: Well, now bubba can commando crawl, there's no stopping her!  She may not have figured out the "all fours" concept yet, but her funny little dragging frog-swim motion gets her surprisingly far!  If it's on the ground, she's gonna find it... and probably try to eat it.  Speaking of eating, she loves her fingerfood and eats like it's going out of fashion - she prefers solids to a bottle most of the time!  She now has four full teeth and four little half-teeth inching their way out of her wee gums.  Her babbles consists mostly of "Dadadadad", "Mummmm!" and "bubub".  She loves a good chat!

My very cheeky monkey at 8 months old

 Some of her favourite things include: fresh plums and strawberries, power cords, harrasing the cat, turning down the surround sound while we're trying to watch TV, pulling mum's hair (and dad's!), trying to play with the Wii remotes, trying to eat paper... and basically anything that involves being a cheeky little wriggler or eating food!

Adjusting to parenthood has been a hard road for me.  I think I didn't realise in the beginning, having never spent much time with babies, how rewarding it would become.  She is such a little person now, and getting so big.  She is so funny and makes me laugh every day.  It's still hard and I still get frustrated every day too.  But she is beautiful and fun and crazy.  And now that I've walked the path, I even miss her snuggly little newborn days, despite the lack of sleep it came with, and wish I could go back and appreciate her more rather than be so wrapped up in my own struggle.

But I can't go back.  So I just love her now.  I'm not perfect... but she is, even when she's not.  She's growing up so fast, I can't even imagine what it will be like when she's walking and talking... but I guess I'll find out soon enough!

Where did my little baby go?!

Introducing Solids

I believe in evidence based parenting.  This means making each decision along the way on the back of your own independent research, not just because it is "the done thing" or because other people do it or someone told you so.  This external influence can come from all directions, which is why I think it is dangerous to label your parenting style.  Whether you consider yourself a "mainstream mum" or a "natural parent" or whatever other labels are out there, there is a danger of making choices based on what the current buzz topics in your circle are, rather than your own independent thinking.

This was brought home to me by the issue of solids.  I considered myself a baby-led mum, striving to take an instinctive approach and make choices based on what was developmentally appropriate for my baby, taking her cues.  Nothing wrong with that in and of itself.  Therefore, the idea of baby led weaning seemed logical and appropriate to me.  The basic tenets of this philosophy are to wait until the baby is sitting unassisted and is able to put food into their own mouth before starting solids.  It also rules out purees and the like, advocating giving baby only whole foods in their natural state, such as sticks of soft veggies to start with.  Generally, this means waiting until at least 6 months to begin solids.  In fact, even the World Health Organisation advises waiting until 6 months to introduce solids.

Purees are a no-no under the baby led weaning approach

However, once Bubba reached 4 months, I started to get the feeling she would like to try some food and was ready for it.  No she was not sitting unassisted (still isn't) and wasn't stealing food from our plates, but I still got an instinctive feeling from her that it was something she would like to try.

So I started to do my own research, using Google Scholar and focusing on medical journals and research.  I was interesting to find that the WHO recommendation to delay solids until 6 months is actually based on very limited research.  In fact, the main conclusion I draw from their evidence is actually that it is detrimental to introduce solids before four months of age.  This study found that later introduction of solids did not have a protective effect against allergies, and this study actually found that delaying introduction of cereal grains until after 6 months may actually increase the risk of wheat allergy.  If you are wanting to extended breastfeed, this study found that "breastfeeding duration was not associated with infants' age at introduction of solids."

This 2009 literature review sums it up neatly:

Recommendations in developed countries of reducing this risk [of developing food allergies in children] by avoidance of allergenic foods until the child is of varying ages past 6 months have been challenged by recent population studies. Where the risk of allergy is a key consideration, currently-available research suggests that introducing solids at 4-6 months may result in the lowest allergy risk. When all aspects of health are taken into account, the recommended duration of exclusive breastfeeding and age of introduction of solids were confirmed to be 6 months, but no later. (Anderson, Malley & Snell, 2009).

 My overall conclusion from my research on the topic was that 4-6 months was an ideal window to begin slowing introducing my baby to solid food.  For me the focus was on fun and the experience of tastes and textures, not giving her a "meal" per se.  And really, for me, I feel happy with this approach.  We don't wait until a baby can put the boob in her own mouth before we give her breastmilk.  Being baby-led is all well and good, but at the end of the day, babies are unable to do a lot of things for themselves that we do for them until they develop the ability to do it themselves.  As parents we have to make a lot of decisions on behalf of our children every day.

I have absolutely nothing against baby led weaning and think it can be wonderful choice for many families.  I still intend to incorporate some of these principles when Bubba gets to about 6 months. I do believe in the value of babies handling food in its original state, not always mushed to oblivion.

But for now, we are really enjoying mushed food.  Right from the start, Bubba has enjoyed exploring food and has never coughed, gagged or spat food out, which to me was a good indication to continue.  In fact, she very quickly learnt what the spoon was all about and began excitedly kicking her legs and opening her mouth when she saw it.  As soon as she stops opening her mouth for more, I stop the feeding.

Basically, my main conclusion from all this was the importance of allowing yourself to be led by your baby.  So I guess, in a way, I do believe in "baby-led weaning", but not in the sense that the baby has to do everything itself.  Rather in the sense that you can trust your mother's intuition on what your baby is ready for.  Some babies under 6 months may gag, spit or get upset when tried on solids - I consider this a good indication to wait a little longer.  But if you feel your baby over 4 months is ready for a little taste, I don't think there is any harm in it, and there may actually be some good.  Above all, trust your baby - if you can attune to their form of communication, they will tell you what they are happy with and what they aren't.

Oopsie Daisy!

Yesterday, bubba was being a bit of a grumble.  Ok, a mega grumble.  So when I heard her grizzling in her cot, I didn't rush up there immediately. (She wasn't crying of course - I would never leaver her to cry - but grizzling is a whole other kettle of fish).  She was tired, had been grizzling all day, and I was hoping she'd grizzle herself back to sleep.

It wasn't happening, so I went up to check on her... and found this:

I couldn't help but laugh!  She hasn't rolled over yet in either direction, so it was also kind of cool that she had gotten herself onto her side... 

... my silly ningnong!

I also noticed that when I propped her up against the couch in the evening, she started kind of leaning forward to sit with less support of the couch...

Come here giraffe!

Oops!!

I just wanted to eat the giraffe mum!

The grizzles that come along with these periods of developmental leaps might be rather frustrating  - but it is pretty cool, and pretty hilarious, watching her figure new things out :-)

New Year, New Life

So 2011 draws to a close.  I could wax lyrical about what a year it has been - my first full year in Australia - the year of Melbourne - the year of Scarlett - the fulcrum of my life.

12 August 2012 - the day my life became bigger than myself

Melbourne has turned on quite a day to draw this momentous year to a close too, 33 degrees outside and a stunning blue sky...

Give me a home amongst the gum trees...

But instead I'd rather think about the year to come - and I have a good feeling about it.  We are gearing up here for The Big Move - interstate from Melbourne, across the vast desert to our new house in Perth, which is being built as we speak.  We expect it to be finished around February 2012, so we will be packing up all our stuff and shipping it in early February, before heading off to New Zealand to visit bubba's grandma and aunties and then onwards to our new life in Perth.

Along the Swan River in Perth

I am very much looking forward to our new life.  Moving into a brand new house is exciting in itself.  But also, for a while now we have known we are moving, so I haven't made an effort to meet people in Melbourne, knowing we would be moving away shortly anyway.  So I am looking forward to making some connections, meeting other mums, building a network, a home base.

I am looking forward to seeing my little girl grow and change, and building our new life as a wee family :-)

So I can't really mourn 2011, as good as it has been... I get the feeling that the best is yet to come, and welcome 2012 in with open arms.

And most importantly... I celebrated the end of one year and the start of the next with my first Coke in over a year.... hallelujah!!

*angels sing*

Cheers to a great new year! :-)

Four Months Already!

I can't believe my bubba is over 4 months old already!  The first couple of months felt like forever, but since then, time has just flown by.  And we have come so far since "the dark days" of the first six weeks... I have come so far.

Slowly I have become acclimatised to my new life, my new role.  I think the biggest step for me has been getting used to no longer being a singular person, looking out for number one.  Somehow Scarlett has become like a part of me, an extension of myself, so that she no longer seems like an intrusion on my existance but an integral part of it.  I don't even think of her as a "baby", I just think of her as Scarlett - my constant little companion, my little person with a personality and presence all of her own with whom I share my day.

And what a personality! :-P

She's such a character!

 I understand now why people say that motherhood makes you a great multitasker.  I always thought that the female multitasking gene had passed me by, but it turns out it was just a muscle waiting for motherhood to force it to be flexed.  I am getting used to starting things knowing that I may be interrupted part way through, I am getting used to being ok with that, I am getting used to letting go and giving in to the needs of the moment.  And I think that's what the trick really is to enjoying this motherhood thing - learning to live in the moment.  That the dishes don't matter if your baby's hungry.  That your half written email can wait when your baby is feeling playful.  That everything else will still be there later if you want to take a moment to bathe in your baby's smile.

Cheeky girl :-)

It has been so amazing to watch her "wake up" from being a sleepy newborn to the funny little person she is now.  I look at newborn photos and can believe she was ever so small!

And there have been so many little firsts along the way... her first little laugh was a funny milestone, the first couple of times she tried out her laughing voice she laughed so hard she spit up and then got the hiccups!  Now she is slowly starting to laugh more often and without needing as much prompting - her funny little giggle is so infectious!

Funny bubba!

She found her hands around 3 months old and examined them with fascination...

Hrmmm, what are these?  Are they mine?

... and then closer to 4 months, she discovered her feet - the left one is her favourite :-P

Look Mum, I found this foot thing!

She's always experimenting with funny little noises and vocalisations, deciding which ones she likes the best.  Currently it's the squeal :-P

I'm incredibly lucky that, at around 9 weeks, she decided to start sleeping through the night.  I can't tell you the secret because I didn't do anything - I followed her lead in everything and fed her any hour of the day she wanted.  I think the most important thing is that I made a clear distinction between night and day - day sleeps in the pram in the lounge, where it's light and noisy, night sleeps in the cot in the bedroom and night feeds in the dark with no noise or interaction.  It seems she got the idea and now I am a very lucky mummy who gets a decent sleep most nights (touch wood!).

At around 4 months, we moved her cot to her own room... I was reluctant to do it at first, but it has actually worked out well, it is nice to have our grown up bedroom back and she sailed through the transition.  I couldn't have done it without my movement monitor!!!  It's a sensor that sets off an alarm if the baby stops breathing or breathing slows below a certain point - I love that thing, I couldn't do without it!  Soothes my mummy paranoia no end!

Snooooze!

The first four months have been a rollercoaster and a massive adjustment... but we have been blessed with such a happy, beautiful baby, I am becoming more and more comfortable in my role as mother and my heart burns with love for my little chicken nugget.  I'm so excited to see how she continues to grow and discover the little person she is growing into.

Most beautiful girl in the world :-)

The Truth About Breastfeeding - My Breastfeeding Journey

During my pregnancy, I never doubted the fact that I was going to breastfeed.  It wasn’t even a question in my mind.  Breastfeeding is natural, normal and was the default option in my mind.  My mum breastfed all of us, my youngest sister in fact until she was 3 years old, and I had never even seen anyone bottle feed.  One of the first gifts my mother gave me when I was 8 weeks pregnant was “The Art of Breastfeeding” by the La Leche League.  It is a lovely book, full of wonderful information about breastfeeding, and it is what planted the seed of homebirth in my mind.  However, despite all the troubleshooting tips and discussion of the difficulties, I still got the overall impression that breastfeeding was going to be all amazing bonding with my child while angels danced around me singing hallelujah.

Haaaaaalelujah!! (image by Kate Hansen)

 Pretty much as soon as my baby was put on my chest, she started seeking out the breast, which was amazing to see, that pure natural instinct.  But my first surprise in my breastfeeding journey was that she didn’t know how to latch on – and I didn’t know how to help her.  She didn’t actually end up feeding until hours later as I was about to be discharged from the hospital – the midwife luckily asked me if we had fed yet and as we hadn’t, showed me how to do it.  My second surprise was that teaching her to latch involved holding her head and basically shoving it firmly onto my nipple.  The roughness of it was not what I expected.  For something so “natural”, it wasn’t that intuitive to begin with.

Bubba tries to find boobie

 Luckily my baby was a born breastfeeding pro (and not all are!) and we soon got the hang of it.  She had a strong sucking reflex and latched well right from the beginning (not all women are this lucky, some have a great deal of difficulty establishing correct latch).  However, despite her excellent latch, my virgin nipples were soon excruciatingly painful.  Every time she latched on was absolute agony for about a minute and I began to dread every feed – given she was feeding every 1-2 hours, that’s a lot of agony!!  By the end of the first week I had had enough and was honestly ready to give up breastfeeding if a wonderful friend hadn’t come to visit bearing breast shields.  Breast shields are little plastic teat-like things that you put over your nipple while your baby drinks and provides a bit of a barrier to give your nipples time to heal.  These were absolute sanity savers for me, made a huge difference and saved my ability to breastfeed.  After just a few days, I was able to get rid of the shields and breastfeeding never hurt again.

Breast shield - your nips will thank you!

 My next surprise, however, was how I felt about breastfeeding.  I had been concerned during pregnancy about how breastfeeding would feel, as my breasts have always been an integral part of my sexuality, and the thought of having a baby suck on them was a little hard to get my head around.  I kind of just assumed, though, that because it is so “natural”, that when the time came, it would be fine.  Turns out, making that shift is really not so easy.  I felt very uncomfortable with breastfeeding for quite a long time.  It did not feel like bonding.  I didn’t like it at all.  I didn’t sit there gazing at my baby full of love – I just felt weird and uncomfortable.  It was just a chore.

My first turning point came when I realised that maybe it was ok for it to just be a chore.  Maybe it didn’t have to be all love hearts and kumbaya – maybe it was just like changing nappies… I don’t love it but I do it because it has to be done to care for my baby.  It is cheaper and more convenient than formula feeding, and maybe that was reason enough.

It wasn’t quite enough though, as I continued to feel very uncomfortable with it.  There is a lot of stigma around bottle feeding these days, with breastfeeding pushed heavily, but at the end of the day, in no other part of life would a woman be stigmatised for saying “no” to a use of her sexual parts that she felt uncomfortable with.  I did a lot of research on the topic of breast versus formula feeding and a lot of soul searching, and decided to try a bottle of formula with her when she was about 3 weeks old.  Just to see how it went.  I knew that if it felt like immediate relief feeding her with a bottle instead of my breasts, then maybe formula feeding would be the right choice for me.  I truly believe that a happy mum equals a happy baby, and that if breastfeeding is impacting negatively on the mother’s mental/emotional health or on her ability to bond with her child, then breast in that case may not be “best”.  The most important thing is that a child is loved and fed by a happy mum.

My second and most important turning point in my breastfeeding journey came the day when I decided to try a bottle of formula.  That feeling of relief and having my body back was what I was expecting to feel.  What I actually did feel was completely unexpected.  Having never had a bottle before, I wasn’t sure how she would take it.  I followed a recommendation to use Nuk bottles (which are great by the way!), and she latched on after only two tries and immediately started gulping the milk hungrily!  Did I sigh in relief?  Did I think “oh thank god, this feels so much better”?  No – I felt a deep ache within me, pulled her off the bottle after only two gulps and put her on my boob.  I felt jealous of the bottle!  Everything in me was crying “no, you’re supposed to get that from me!”  *I* was her source of nourishment,  *I* was the one who induced those sleepy milk smiles, *my* milk was supposed to be what she wanted – that was something special for just her and me.  I had never enjoyed feeding her as much I did during that feed.

Which is not to say it was completely smooth sailing after that.  I still continued to struggle from time to time with the feeling of being uncomfortable using my boobs that way, of wanting my body back after 9 months of it belonging to someone else entirely.  I didn’t start zealously loving breastfeeding, the light didn’t start getting all rosy and hazy every time I fed.  But I just knew that there was this deep part of me that needed to do it.  I needed that connection with my child, I needed to nurture her in that way.  Even if I didn’t always like it, some instinct in me needed to do it.

Mum, boob is so EXCITING!

 I did learn an important lesson in open mindedness though.  I learnt that there are a huge variety of reasons why a woman may chose not to or not be able to breastfeed, and that all of them are acceptable, and no mother should ever be judged for her choice of how to feed her child.  All women have the right to choose how to use their body and what they are comfortable with.  Some women would dearly love to breastfeed but, for various reasons, are unable to.  Some women simply don’t want to, for reasons of their own, and that is also ok.  I learnt never to judge another’s choices until you have walked a mile in their shoes – or even half a mile, or even just tried their shoes on.

I did come across this very interesting article, The Case Against Breastfeeding.  It is not actually “against” breastfeeding as the title suggests, but rather investigates more closely all the superlative claims made by the pro breastfeeding movement, such as ideas that not breastfeeding will make your child sick, fat and stupid.  Turns out, the much touted benefits of breastfeeding may not be as huge as much of the health literature and many “lactivists” would have you think.  I find it interesting though, that right at the end of the article, the author admits that despite all she found in her research, she herself still breastfeeds.  There is certainly some kind of instinctive aspect to it that no amount of research can remove.

I also came across a wonderful site called Fearless Formula Feeder.  It is a great place of support for women who chose to or have to formula feed for whatever reason.  It think it is fabulous for these women to have a positive, supportive community such as this, as I think mothers who formula feed are subjected to far too much stigmatism in today’s society.  We are all just trying to do the best we can by our babies, and I wish we wouldn’t judge each other so much.  I also think it’s worth checking the site out even if you are a committed breastfeeder – some of the stories may just make you think twice before judging that mum in the parent’s room heating up a bottle for her baby.

 Even now, four months on, I wouldn’t say that I *love* breastfeeding.  But I don’t hate it or find it uncomfortable anymore either.  It has grown on me.  I gave myself 6 months as a goal – but now I think I will most likely breastfeed her beyond that.  In fact, I think I might even be sad when I decide to stop.  ‘Cos I gotta be honest, nothing quite beats the way they look at you with those breastfeeding eyes…

… ok, maybe a little part of me loves it.  Just a little bit.