17 weeks - Settling into the Nest

Given I want a homebirth, there is one very essential ingredient that needs to be taken care of... a home!!  Luckily my lovely man found me one of those about a month ago and we have been settling in ever since.  The advent of the big comfy couch made things pretty much complete (and my bum much less numb!).  Now we just have to recover from that and then start thinking about... eek... the baby's room!!  In the meantime, it's lovely to have my cosy little nest!

I like how this chick rolls.

I met my midwife a couple of weeks ago and loved her!  Felt totally comfortable with her straight away and she was very knowledgable - I felt utterly in safe hands.  Ended up spending 2 1/2 hours at her house!  She is going to join me at my next hospital appointment when I find out what the verdict is on my pelvis, and after that we can plan from there.  I feel so much better knowing that, no matter what ends up happening, I have someone knowledgeable and professional advocating for me who knows what I want and supports what is important to me.

Other than that, not a whole lot to report.  I'm at that weird stage of pregnancy where there are no symptoms, it's still a little early to feel movements (for a first pregnancy anyway), and my little belly doesn't really look like a pregnant belly... so it all feels very surreal! 

Mmm mmm made with brown rice syrup - wish I still had morning sickness to give THAT a try!

Only 2 weeks until the halfway morphology scan now, which I am super excited about - I want to see that bubs is still doing well and I want to know if it is a Mr or Miss Little Bub!  I have thought boy the whole pregnancy, but everyone else seems to think girl... can't wait to find out!!

In the meantime, I'm just looking forward to feeling some decent movements and watching that belly grow!

16 week belly - it finally kind of looks pregnant... with a little imagination :-P

15 Weeks - Birth Choices

You don't realise before you embark on this journey how many choices and decisions are going to be involved.  It can get somewhat overwhelming at times!!  One of - if not THE - most important of which, of course, being - how are you going to give birth?

Andre Jordan

 Australia is very daunting and complicated in this respect.  As I came to grips with the system over here, I learned one thing - I don't like it!!  In New Zealand, having a midwife is part of your normal pregnancy care and you certainly don't have to pay for it!!  Over here, you are either a number in a heavily loaded hosital system where you are seen by a "team" (i.e. group of doctors and midwives) or you get into a hosiptal-based midwife program in which you are still seen by a "team" of midwives (not building a relationship with just one)... OR, if these options don't seem appealing - you fork out thousands of dollars to hire an independant midwife.

I was drawn to the idea of a homebirth quite early on in my pregnancy, but dismissed it because of my history of prior pelvic fracture.  However, a tour of a regional Melbourne hospital put the thought right back in the forefront of my mind.  Sure there were private labour rooms... but the place only had two baths and if they were busy - too bad.  And if the midwife on duty wasn't certified for waterbirth then - too bad.  And then you are carted to a bigger shared ward for about 36 hours afterwards, where you partner is ushered out at 8 pm.  I hated the idea of relinquishing so much of my control over my birth experience.  The idea of having my baby safe at home, and being able to curl up in my own bed with my baby and my partner afterward, feels empowering and just.. right.

Today I had my first hospital clinic appointment at the Royal Women's Hospital, and the whole experience only served to increase my desire for a homebirth.  The clinicians were lovely but it feels so clinical and impersonal.  They won't officially okay shared care (which means seeing my GP for some visits rather than having to go to the hospital all the time) until they have details from my NZ hospital about my pelvic fracture.  Fair enough I guess, but I just felt so trapped, I wanted to either cry or run out yelling "I don't want to be here!!"  My partner is of course concerned for my safety - but ironically enough, I feel a million times safer at the thought of a homebirth with a qualified and caring midwife.  In hospital, I am afraid of my power and my ability to have the labour and birth I want being taken away.

I have done my research, and it should be perfectly possible and safe for me to have a normal vaginal birth with the background of my prior injury - which, after all, was 8 years ago.

I am having an initial appointment with an independant midwife this Friday.  She seemed lovely on the phone and the service she operates under has been recommended to me by someone who is also with them, so I am looking forward to meeting with her.  Hopefully I feel the right click and I can start feeling excited about this birth, rather than apprehensive and to be honest, mildly terrified.  Well, of course, there will always be some aspect of these feelings, but I would like to at least feel comfortable with my choice of birth and feel like I have some power and say in things.

I'm sure that in every woman's first pregnancy, there comes a certain moment - a moment that I experienced today following my hospital clinic appointment.  That is the moment in which it really, truly hits you - in this little growing belly is a baby, and that baby is going to have to come out somehow!  And it's got a whole lotta growin to do before that happens!  Of course you "knew" that before, but all of a sudden you *realise* it, the reality of it hits you.  This baby has to come OUT of me somehow!  And not only that... once it's out - you're going to have a baby!  A real live human baby that will need you 24/7.  An actual baby.

This moment can threaten to overwhelm you.  It's like something has been set in place that has a terrifying finish line that you both want and fear, but there's no going back now, there's no leaving the race - that finish line is going to get there whether you like it or not - and probably quicker than you're ready for.

I am so happy to be pregnant and I can't wait to meet little bub.  But I would be lying if I said I wasn't, a little bit, a wee bit, a tiny bit - utterly terrified.

I guess the best way I know of dealing with that, is to take back as much power as I can by making an informed (by both knowledge and instinct) choice around how I want to give birth.

14 week belly - You want PIE??

13 Weeks 2 Days - Boobs and Body Image

Pretty much anyone who has spent more than 10 seconds with me knows that I have always loved my boobs.  But now... wow, now I REALLY love them!!  Pregnant boobs are the BEST!

My boobs are, in fact, what alerted some small observant part of me to my pregnancy in the first place - they became sore and heavy and started growing...

The other day I bought my first D cups and I think I'm outgrowing those already!  I love it.

In fact, I love my whole body.  For the first time in my life.  Coming from someone who has spent most of her adolescent and adult life on a journey from trying to shrink her body away to learning to love it as it is - this is a significant statement.  I no longer stand in the mirror wishing my tiny belly away, sucking in to make myself look skinnier.... Suddenly, when I see my round little feminine belly, I feel proud, I feel joyous, I can't wait for it to be *bigger*!!

Ahhh.... preferably not *this* big....

 All those years of aiming for prepubescent skinniess suddenly seem childish... Now I feel like a woman - vibrant, alive and capable of carrying life - I have never felt so sexy and utterly in love with my body.  It feels like liberation, like suddenly I'm allowed to be just exactly as I am.

Of course, there are good moments and bad moments.  The niggling voice isn't completely silenced.  Especially at the moment, when I'm not big enough to look pregnant, but my waist becomes thicker and rounder every day.  But whenever the voice starts wanting to pipe up ("you know, most people probably just think you're fat..."), I just remind myself - there is a baby in there!  My growing body harbours the miracle of growing life.  And I put on a tight skirt and t-shirt and flaunt my wee belly proudly.

I am woman, hear me roar!

I hope that I can carry this forward past my pregnancy - that I will look upon flabby baby belly and stretchmarks and thick thighs, not with hatred and self-loathing, but with pride and affection, knowing that my imperfections are stamps that say "I am woman.  I nuture life."

In this world that displays androgenous stick figures as the pinnacle of all a woman should be, I want to run hands over soft hips and bask in the glow of my perfect imperfections, the miracle of this body I was blessed with.

Suddenly, who and how I am, is just exactly who and how I want to be.

13 weeks - grow, you beautiful belly, grow!

[NB: having Googled for photos for this post, I believe I am now scarred for life.  Just saying.]

12 weeks 3 days - My Wriggly Little Bean!

This morning was the longest morning of my LIFE!!

My scan was scheduled for 2:30 pm.  I was SO anxious!

What if something was wrong... what if nothing was there and I had been imagining it all??

I just couldn't fathom that a tiny little human bean was actually inside me...

EVENTUALLY the time finally rolled around and I was lying on the doctors bed with jelly on my anxiety-makingly flat tummy.

A couple of days ago I thought I felt a movement... it was way down low near my pubic bone and felt like a little "flip"...

... the doctor put the probe right on the exact spot where I had felt the sensation and there was my baby!!

It was in an awkward position at first, so it considerately did a complete flip so we could see it better :-)

Little arms and legs all moving around, nice strong heartrate of 154 bpm.  We saw the brain and stomach and bladder - and the risk of Downs is ridiculously small at 1:13700!

Even the doctor said "that is an excellent scan, congrats" :-)

It felt so surreal seeing it on the screen... there is actually a baby inside my abdomen!  Now that I am not feeling sick anymore but my tummy is still barely showing, it has felt so unreal... now I look down at my tummy and have the images of that little bean in my head and know it's really in there!

Judging by the size of baby, the doctor put me at 12 weeks 3 days - which is only 2 days off the original estimate, making my due date around August 8th.

12 week belly - there's a baby in there, honest!!

And a little backwards mathematics teaches us all an important lesson... copious quantities of beer, pizza and playstation are not a contraceptive.  Consider yourself warned!

Pregnancy - The Ultimate Beer Belly?

Weeks 6 to 12 - Nausea

Weeks 6 to 12 of my pregnancy can be summed up in one word:

Nausea.

 

No vomiting.  Vomiting would almost have been a relief sometimes.  Just constant, all-day, background nausea.  Ironically, it got worse when my stomach was empty - so just when I felt worst, was exactly when I should eat.  Managing such nausea is a subtle art to learn.

Somedays all you want is vegemite on English muffins.  The next day the very thought makes you feel sick, and only salt and vinegar potato chips will do.

And whoever decided to call it "morning" sickness must have been a man! :-P

Just like my book said, the nausea set in just before 6 weeks... and then a few days before 12 weeks, I realised that it was abating.  I was hungry again.  I didn't feel a constant state of being mildly ill.  And I didn't feel so deathly tired all the time.

During this period was also when we decided we would stay in Melbourne, and started on the house hunting.

I don't know why this house has a gun... but it pretty much sums up how I feel about house hunting.  Look at those square, slightly desperate eyes...

 

 

One bedroom apartment ain't quite gonna cut it anymore.  Maybe it's my nesting instincts, but I just want a it all sorted, and to be settled.  Right NOW!!

11 week belly... there's a baby in there... I haven't just been eating all the pies, honest!

5 Weeks 6 Days - Starting to Feel Real

A week after I found out my Up The Duff status, I think it is finally starting to sink in and feel real.

Part of that may have to do with the million pregnancy tests I have done, the last of which was a digital one which tells you how long it has been since conception.  I did one of those last week and then did one tonight, and the one I did tonight shows I am further along than I was last week.  So I am finally feeling convinced that baby is growing and safe and everything is ok!

The realness may also be related to the fact that I have started to feel queasy.  Up until now I have felt completely fine.  Yesterday my stomach felt a bit niggly.  Tonight I feel gross.  Yucky and nauseous and nothing I can think of makes it better.  Eating, not eating, peppermint tea... I just feel a bit yuck.

Here's hoping it doesn't last long or get worse!

I told my mum a couple of nights ago.  She was ecstatic!!  So now my man and my mum and my sisters know.  Seeing as it's so early days, I want to try and wait a bit longer before it becomes common knowledge.  I just know I'm not going to last until the 12 week mark though... it's going to burst out sooner rather than later :-P

I can't wait for the 12 week scan, which will probably be at the end of January.  Hopefully that will make it seem that much more real - and I will know that bubby is well and safe!

5 1/2 week belly - i.e. pretty much all Em and not much baby! :-P

I'm Pretty Sure That's A Second Line...

So your boobs have been tender for about a week.  They sometimes get heavier when you're due for your period, but this just feels... different.

You're getting crampy tummy twinges that are a bit like PMT cramps but just somehow... different.

You're 27.  You live a young, fun lifestyle.  You've been with the love of your life for a grand total of three months.

You've always wanted children.

On the way to work you pick up a home pregnancy test from the supermarket.  You dash to the loos as soon as you get to work, open up the pack, read the instructions carefully, pull out the stick - and pee on it.

Pee on a stick!

Pee creeps along the absorbent window.  First line comes up - control line.  Pee creeps along.  Is that a faint second line?  That's a second line.  It's getting stronger.  That's a second line!!!

That means...

It doesn't feel real.  You hold it inside all day, even though you work at the same work place as your partner.  Once you both get home, you blurt out with it: 

"I peed on a stick and the stick thinks I'm pregnant!" 

(Yes, these were my actual words).

Your partner, also 27, is in a mild state of shock but doesn't scrimp on the hugs, so you think things are going to be ok.

I'd love to say it was like this....

...to be honest, it was really more like this...

The next day you do a digital pregnancy test.  If it says it in words, it must be real!  There's no mistaking a little window that says "PREGNANT".

I guess I'm pregnant!

*  *  *  *

The same day as the second pregnancy test, I went to see a doctor - and did a third pregnancy test (just to be sure) - and had some bloods taken.

Since then I have taken three more home pregnancy tests.

Just goin out on a limb here, but I think, maybe....

I think I am slowly beginning to really believe that I am actually pregnant :-P

I got my blood test results back a couple of days ago and my hCG was 414 at the time of the blood being drawn, consistent with being about 4 weeks pregnant.  Meaning the doctor's calculations were about right, and I am now about 5 weeks and 6 days pregnant.

I'm due around August 6, 2011.  My birthday is July 30!  So my lovely man will have to put up with two Leos roaming the house :-)

I'm already a worrywart mother.  I'm terrified something will go wrong.  I just want to know baby is healthy and safe and growing well.  My man and I are house hunting, trying to find a nest.

The past week has been an emotional rollercoaster.  No one ever talks about men's experience of pregnancy, but it has been an emotional ride for my wonderful man as well.  He is being as supportive as he can while getting his own head around the idea.  I love that so much of his fear and anxiety around it all is due to the fact that he wants to make me happy and provide for us and make sure I'm not going to run off.  Not a chance!  He feels powerless and vulnerable.

I have been feeling mostly fine physically, apart from the odd crying spells.  Slightly tender boobs.  A tiny bit of cramping.  It feels surreal.  I have to keep reminding myself all day that it is real.

What a journey I have ahead of me!!