New Year, New Life

So 2011 draws to a close.  I could wax lyrical about what a year it has been - my first full year in Australia - the year of Melbourne - the year of Scarlett - the fulcrum of my life.

12 August 2012 - the day my life became bigger than myself

Melbourne has turned on quite a day to draw this momentous year to a close too, 33 degrees outside and a stunning blue sky...

Give me a home amongst the gum trees...

But instead I'd rather think about the year to come - and I have a good feeling about it.  We are gearing up here for The Big Move - interstate from Melbourne, across the vast desert to our new house in Perth, which is being built as we speak.  We expect it to be finished around February 2012, so we will be packing up all our stuff and shipping it in early February, before heading off to New Zealand to visit bubba's grandma and aunties and then onwards to our new life in Perth.

Along the Swan River in Perth

I am very much looking forward to our new life.  Moving into a brand new house is exciting in itself.  But also, for a while now we have known we are moving, so I haven't made an effort to meet people in Melbourne, knowing we would be moving away shortly anyway.  So I am looking forward to making some connections, meeting other mums, building a network, a home base.

I am looking forward to seeing my little girl grow and change, and building our new life as a wee family :-)

So I can't really mourn 2011, as good as it has been... I get the feeling that the best is yet to come, and welcome 2012 in with open arms.

And most importantly... I celebrated the end of one year and the start of the next with my first Coke in over a year.... hallelujah!!

*angels sing*

Cheers to a great new year! :-)

Four Months Already!

I can't believe my bubba is over 4 months old already!  The first couple of months felt like forever, but since then, time has just flown by.  And we have come so far since "the dark days" of the first six weeks... I have come so far.

Slowly I have become acclimatised to my new life, my new role.  I think the biggest step for me has been getting used to no longer being a singular person, looking out for number one.  Somehow Scarlett has become like a part of me, an extension of myself, so that she no longer seems like an intrusion on my existance but an integral part of it.  I don't even think of her as a "baby", I just think of her as Scarlett - my constant little companion, my little person with a personality and presence all of her own with whom I share my day.

And what a personality! :-P

She's such a character!

 I understand now why people say that motherhood makes you a great multitasker.  I always thought that the female multitasking gene had passed me by, but it turns out it was just a muscle waiting for motherhood to force it to be flexed.  I am getting used to starting things knowing that I may be interrupted part way through, I am getting used to being ok with that, I am getting used to letting go and giving in to the needs of the moment.  And I think that's what the trick really is to enjoying this motherhood thing - learning to live in the moment.  That the dishes don't matter if your baby's hungry.  That your half written email can wait when your baby is feeling playful.  That everything else will still be there later if you want to take a moment to bathe in your baby's smile.

Cheeky girl :-)

It has been so amazing to watch her "wake up" from being a sleepy newborn to the funny little person she is now.  I look at newborn photos and can believe she was ever so small!

And there have been so many little firsts along the way... her first little laugh was a funny milestone, the first couple of times she tried out her laughing voice she laughed so hard she spit up and then got the hiccups!  Now she is slowly starting to laugh more often and without needing as much prompting - her funny little giggle is so infectious!

Funny bubba!

She found her hands around 3 months old and examined them with fascination...

Hrmmm, what are these?  Are they mine?

... and then closer to 4 months, she discovered her feet - the left one is her favourite :-P

Look Mum, I found this foot thing!

She's always experimenting with funny little noises and vocalisations, deciding which ones she likes the best.  Currently it's the squeal :-P

I'm incredibly lucky that, at around 9 weeks, she decided to start sleeping through the night.  I can't tell you the secret because I didn't do anything - I followed her lead in everything and fed her any hour of the day she wanted.  I think the most important thing is that I made a clear distinction between night and day - day sleeps in the pram in the lounge, where it's light and noisy, night sleeps in the cot in the bedroom and night feeds in the dark with no noise or interaction.  It seems she got the idea and now I am a very lucky mummy who gets a decent sleep most nights (touch wood!).

At around 4 months, we moved her cot to her own room... I was reluctant to do it at first, but it has actually worked out well, it is nice to have our grown up bedroom back and she sailed through the transition.  I couldn't have done it without my movement monitor!!!  It's a sensor that sets off an alarm if the baby stops breathing or breathing slows below a certain point - I love that thing, I couldn't do without it!  Soothes my mummy paranoia no end!

Snooooze!

The first four months have been a rollercoaster and a massive adjustment... but we have been blessed with such a happy, beautiful baby, I am becoming more and more comfortable in my role as mother and my heart burns with love for my little chicken nugget.  I'm so excited to see how she continues to grow and discover the little person she is growing into.

Most beautiful girl in the world :-)

The Truth About Breastfeeding - My Breastfeeding Journey

During my pregnancy, I never doubted the fact that I was going to breastfeed.  It wasn’t even a question in my mind.  Breastfeeding is natural, normal and was the default option in my mind.  My mum breastfed all of us, my youngest sister in fact until she was 3 years old, and I had never even seen anyone bottle feed.  One of the first gifts my mother gave me when I was 8 weeks pregnant was “The Art of Breastfeeding” by the La Leche League.  It is a lovely book, full of wonderful information about breastfeeding, and it is what planted the seed of homebirth in my mind.  However, despite all the troubleshooting tips and discussion of the difficulties, I still got the overall impression that breastfeeding was going to be all amazing bonding with my child while angels danced around me singing hallelujah.

Haaaaaalelujah!! (image by Kate Hansen)

 Pretty much as soon as my baby was put on my chest, she started seeking out the breast, which was amazing to see, that pure natural instinct.  But my first surprise in my breastfeeding journey was that she didn’t know how to latch on – and I didn’t know how to help her.  She didn’t actually end up feeding until hours later as I was about to be discharged from the hospital – the midwife luckily asked me if we had fed yet and as we hadn’t, showed me how to do it.  My second surprise was that teaching her to latch involved holding her head and basically shoving it firmly onto my nipple.  The roughness of it was not what I expected.  For something so “natural”, it wasn’t that intuitive to begin with.

Bubba tries to find boobie

 Luckily my baby was a born breastfeeding pro (and not all are!) and we soon got the hang of it.  She had a strong sucking reflex and latched well right from the beginning (not all women are this lucky, some have a great deal of difficulty establishing correct latch).  However, despite her excellent latch, my virgin nipples were soon excruciatingly painful.  Every time she latched on was absolute agony for about a minute and I began to dread every feed – given she was feeding every 1-2 hours, that’s a lot of agony!!  By the end of the first week I had had enough and was honestly ready to give up breastfeeding if a wonderful friend hadn’t come to visit bearing breast shields.  Breast shields are little plastic teat-like things that you put over your nipple while your baby drinks and provides a bit of a barrier to give your nipples time to heal.  These were absolute sanity savers for me, made a huge difference and saved my ability to breastfeed.  After just a few days, I was able to get rid of the shields and breastfeeding never hurt again.

Breast shield - your nips will thank you!

 My next surprise, however, was how I felt about breastfeeding.  I had been concerned during pregnancy about how breastfeeding would feel, as my breasts have always been an integral part of my sexuality, and the thought of having a baby suck on them was a little hard to get my head around.  I kind of just assumed, though, that because it is so “natural”, that when the time came, it would be fine.  Turns out, making that shift is really not so easy.  I felt very uncomfortable with breastfeeding for quite a long time.  It did not feel like bonding.  I didn’t like it at all.  I didn’t sit there gazing at my baby full of love – I just felt weird and uncomfortable.  It was just a chore.

My first turning point came when I realised that maybe it was ok for it to just be a chore.  Maybe it didn’t have to be all love hearts and kumbaya – maybe it was just like changing nappies… I don’t love it but I do it because it has to be done to care for my baby.  It is cheaper and more convenient than formula feeding, and maybe that was reason enough.

It wasn’t quite enough though, as I continued to feel very uncomfortable with it.  There is a lot of stigma around bottle feeding these days, with breastfeeding pushed heavily, but at the end of the day, in no other part of life would a woman be stigmatised for saying “no” to a use of her sexual parts that she felt uncomfortable with.  I did a lot of research on the topic of breast versus formula feeding and a lot of soul searching, and decided to try a bottle of formula with her when she was about 3 weeks old.  Just to see how it went.  I knew that if it felt like immediate relief feeding her with a bottle instead of my breasts, then maybe formula feeding would be the right choice for me.  I truly believe that a happy mum equals a happy baby, and that if breastfeeding is impacting negatively on the mother’s mental/emotional health or on her ability to bond with her child, then breast in that case may not be “best”.  The most important thing is that a child is loved and fed by a happy mum.

My second and most important turning point in my breastfeeding journey came the day when I decided to try a bottle of formula.  That feeling of relief and having my body back was what I was expecting to feel.  What I actually did feel was completely unexpected.  Having never had a bottle before, I wasn’t sure how she would take it.  I followed a recommendation to use Nuk bottles (which are great by the way!), and she latched on after only two tries and immediately started gulping the milk hungrily!  Did I sigh in relief?  Did I think “oh thank god, this feels so much better”?  No – I felt a deep ache within me, pulled her off the bottle after only two gulps and put her on my boob.  I felt jealous of the bottle!  Everything in me was crying “no, you’re supposed to get that from me!”  *I* was her source of nourishment,  *I* was the one who induced those sleepy milk smiles, *my* milk was supposed to be what she wanted – that was something special for just her and me.  I had never enjoyed feeding her as much I did during that feed.

Which is not to say it was completely smooth sailing after that.  I still continued to struggle from time to time with the feeling of being uncomfortable using my boobs that way, of wanting my body back after 9 months of it belonging to someone else entirely.  I didn’t start zealously loving breastfeeding, the light didn’t start getting all rosy and hazy every time I fed.  But I just knew that there was this deep part of me that needed to do it.  I needed that connection with my child, I needed to nurture her in that way.  Even if I didn’t always like it, some instinct in me needed to do it.

Mum, boob is so EXCITING!

 I did learn an important lesson in open mindedness though.  I learnt that there are a huge variety of reasons why a woman may chose not to or not be able to breastfeed, and that all of them are acceptable, and no mother should ever be judged for her choice of how to feed her child.  All women have the right to choose how to use their body and what they are comfortable with.  Some women would dearly love to breastfeed but, for various reasons, are unable to.  Some women simply don’t want to, for reasons of their own, and that is also ok.  I learnt never to judge another’s choices until you have walked a mile in their shoes – or even half a mile, or even just tried their shoes on.

I did come across this very interesting article, The Case Against Breastfeeding.  It is not actually “against” breastfeeding as the title suggests, but rather investigates more closely all the superlative claims made by the pro breastfeeding movement, such as ideas that not breastfeeding will make your child sick, fat and stupid.  Turns out, the much touted benefits of breastfeeding may not be as huge as much of the health literature and many “lactivists” would have you think.  I find it interesting though, that right at the end of the article, the author admits that despite all she found in her research, she herself still breastfeeds.  There is certainly some kind of instinctive aspect to it that no amount of research can remove.

I also came across a wonderful site called Fearless Formula Feeder.  It is a great place of support for women who chose to or have to formula feed for whatever reason.  It think it is fabulous for these women to have a positive, supportive community such as this, as I think mothers who formula feed are subjected to far too much stigmatism in today’s society.  We are all just trying to do the best we can by our babies, and I wish we wouldn’t judge each other so much.  I also think it’s worth checking the site out even if you are a committed breastfeeder – some of the stories may just make you think twice before judging that mum in the parent’s room heating up a bottle for her baby.

 Even now, four months on, I wouldn’t say that I *love* breastfeeding.  But I don’t hate it or find it uncomfortable anymore either.  It has grown on me.  I gave myself 6 months as a goal – but now I think I will most likely breastfeed her beyond that.  In fact, I think I might even be sad when I decide to stop.  ‘Cos I gotta be honest, nothing quite beats the way they look at you with those breastfeeding eyes…

… ok, maybe a little part of me loves it.  Just a little bit.

The First Six Weeks Are The Hardest

On August 12, 2011, our beautiful little Scarlett Rose entered the world, after a long, drawn out labour that ended in the decision to transfer to hospital.

My birth story was a bit of a saga that I will write out another time.  To be honest, I think I still need more distance from it to be able to sort through the emotions it has left me with.  To say it didn't quite go the way I was hoping is an understatement... but of course, as I've learned, there really is no planning for birth.  Birth is going to take it's own course and there really is little you can do to prepare for or control it.  My bub ended up being in a funny position, which lead to four days of spurious, painful back labour, and after transferring to hospital, I was finally able to give birth to her on the fifth day.  I am just so grateful that I got to push her out nature's route, as I think the staff were half expecting to be wheeling me to theatre.  Luckily my body cooperated in the end, and the actual birth part was a wonderful experience.

Apparently there is a saying that "the first six weeks are the hardest".  I wish I had known of this beforehand, for as the culture shock of new motherhood hit me, I thought it was going to always be like this, and fell into a numb kind of despair.  I began writing this blog because I wanted to present honestly what this journey is really like, so here I must continue to be honest.  I thought that upon the moment of birth I would be filled with feelings of elation and immense love.  But I don't think I was prepared for the assault upon my body and emotions that labour really is.  I think some women do experience that high, but to be brutally honest, I just felt a kind of dazed numbness.  Whether it was because I hadn't slept in five days, the long drawn out disappointing labour experience, the pain I had been in for five days, the feeling of having failed at the homebirth I had so wanted, the epidural... maybe it was a little of all of the above.  All I wanted to do was to go home and sleep for a very long time.  But of course, I was now the mother of a newborn, and that wasn't going to happen anytime soon.

I really feel that becoming a mother for the first time is a lot like culture shock.  Suddenly the landscape of your whole life has changed.  Not only has your body just been through a massive upheaval, now you are on demand 24/7 by a tiny little being who needs you absolutely.  In the early days, bub only has a tiny stomach, and so she needed to feed every 1-2 hours around the clock.  She was also undergoing a state of shock, she had been pulled from the safety of the womb and needed to know she was safe.  So she wouldn't let me put her down at all.  It was ok if dad was holding her, or grandma, or aunty - but if any of us tried to lie her down to sleep, she would start to cry.  Of course it is perfectly understandable, poor little bubba is used to being held comfortably in her mummy's tummy.  But for me, it was also overwhelming - this sense that there was no downtime, no escape from being needed, not even a few hours for myself to recover from what I had just been through.  My body and my existence was no longer for myself but for someone else.

Of course I loved Scarlett from the beginning, because she was my baby and she came out of me.  But I have to be honest that the true, all-consuming, huge feelings of love that I expected to feel at birth, turned out to be something that gradually grew as time has gone on.  At first I loved her because a mother loves her child... after a little while I began to love her because she is Scarlett.  At birth I had this realisation that, although I had carried and grown her in my abdomen for nine months, she was still a stranger to me - she was not the baby of my imagination but a separate real human being, that I would have to get to know just as I would any other new person I met.

I also have to be honest that in those first few weeks, I often felt like I was going through the motions, doing what I had to do not out of the goodness of my pure mother's heart, but because it had to be done and I was the one who had to do it.  I am so lucky and thankful that I had my mother, sisters and partner at home with me at different points over the first five weeks.  I am also so lucky that Daddy C has been such a rock to me the whole way through, reminding me of all the good things I was doing when I was consumed with guilt for the lack of enjoyment I was deriving from the early days of motherhood.

At times I have felt like I was in a tunnel so deep I couldn't see the light at the end of it.  But slowly, things began to get easier.  Towards the end of the first week, she started letting me put her in her cot to sleep (which we have right next to our bed).  Slowly, I began to get used to waking every 2-3 hours and the sense of desperate sleep deprivation began to lift.  I began, with practice, to feel more confident in going on small outings with bub.

Over the past week or so, I feel like I have been emerging from a thick fog.  It helps that bubba has begun to smile and discover her cooing voice, which really helps you feel connected, appreciated and rewarded.  It helps that over the past few days, she has begun to have a 5-6 hour block of sleep overnight (you really don't understand how hard sleep deprivation is until you experience it).  Now I look at my wee little bub and feel like my heart can't even contain how much I love her.  Sometimes I look at her or even just think of her and my eyes begin to prickle with tears.  Her little smile is the most beautiful thing in the world.

It feels all the more special because I felt like such a failure and terrible person for not feeling with this intensity right from the beginning.  I honestly think it has taken me this long just to recover from the physical and emotional impact of my birth experience.  You have to be whole yourself to love another wholy, and I think my labour left me a little broken, in more ways than one.

Now, as we approach the 8 week mark, I feel I am becoming whole and happy enough to feel all the intense love and adoration my baby deserves.  Finally I feel excited about the future, I can't wait to see how she develops and grows, and I'm so blessed that I get to be a part of that.  Daddy C has taken to fatherhood like a natural, and I feel like I have to pinch myself that I have been so lucky to be loved by my little family who I love so much.

Beautiful girl - 7 weeks old

38 Weeks - The Waiting Game

"Full term" in pregnancy is widely accepted to be between 37 and 42 weeks.  So here I am - I know my baby is developed enough to survive on the outside world, and now it's just a matter of waiting to see when she feels like joining us.

Imagine something HUGE is about to happen to you.  Firstly, something completely uncontrollable is about to happen to your body that you have never experienced before and you have no idea what it will feel like or what will happen or how it will go.  Secondly, once that is over, your life will be forever changed.  You, bookworm and tea drinker and lounger in the sun, will suddenly become slave to the multitude of needs of another dependant human being for god knows how long - years and years and lets face it, a mother is never going to completely stop worrying for the rest of her life.

Now imagine that this thing could start happening in the next hour... or it may not happen for the next five weeks.  And you have absolutely no control over it.  And what if something goes wrong or what if it just never happens and you're pregnant FOREVER... ARGH!!

Welcome to the last few weeks of pregnancy, yet another of those fun-filled emotional rollercoasters pregnancy likes to present you with.  It's frustrating, draining, tiring and above all... uncertain.

It's the uncertainty that gets to me.  I am an incredibly impatient person and I don't like things being out of my control - so I'm sure this is all just a good early lesson in motherhood.  But I feel that if I knew I was going to go into labour on X date in three weeks, I would be perfectly fine with that and would be able to just relax and enjoy my last few weeks.  It's the not knowing, not knowing when, how, if... it's the uncertainty, the feeling of living in limbo that drives you nuts.

Having said all that, I am not one of those pregnant women who is like "just get it out now!"  I know that my body and baby know best and that I will go into labour when my baby is ready to come and not before.  I know logically that I won't be pregnant forever, and I won't be choosing medical induction unless my baby were in distress.  Pregnancies can safely go to 43 or 44 weeks - as long as the baby is being monitored and both mum and baby are well, I don't see reason to evict the baby before the baby is ready to come (obviously there are medically necessary exceptions to this!).  Beware the assumption that being one day over 40 weeks means someone is "overdue" - even medically, a "post-dates" baby is only classed as such beyond 42 weeks (not 40).

While we're on the topic, please also beware of hounding a pregnant woman with IS THE BABY HERE YET? messages the moment she hits 40 weeks.  Trust me, if anyone wants the baby to be here yet, it's her!  The waiting period is frustrating and uncertain and being reminded fifty times a day that the baby isn't here yet is NOT helpful.  It is surprisingly common for women to turn off their phones and disable their Facebook profiles for a few weeks between reaching "full term" and having the baby, just to avoid the "are you still around?" bombardment.  In my case, you can be pretty sure the whole world will know the moment my baby is here!

The past couple of days I have been feeling increasingly impatient, a weird mixture of fatigued and restless, a huge sense of frustration at the fact that I didn't know when it was all going to happen.  I think a lot of the frustration for me lies in the fact that I really want a homebirth and I really don't want medical induction, so I was terrified of going too far beyond my "due date" (which we all know is really an estimate at best).  However, this morning I stumbled across a page about going overdue on this website which really gave me a better perspective on it all.  If I'm not in labour yet, it may be that the baby isn't quite in the right position or isn't quite ready.  Even natural induction methods may force a baby out that isn't ready to come, lead to a more difficult labour, a false labour, or all kinds of other issues.  It seems there is a sizeable proportion of women who spontaneously go into labour at 43 weeks.  As much as I don't really want to wait that long, I feel I have come to a new acceptance today that my baby will come when she is ready and I just need to sit back and be patient.

Nappies!

A lot of sources talk about nesting in the late stages of pregnancy.... well, I have collected a lot of things for my birth and baby, but I don't think I'm going to be one of those women up all night cleaning out the cupboards.  I think the domestic gene pretty much missed me altogether and being pregnant isn't about to change it.  I made some attempts at nesting, but really it was more because things needed to be done than any great drive to spend my day washing and cleaning.

Necessary Nesting - about the only time you'll see me fold clothes.

I have to admit though, washing and folding all those tiny little clothes did make me clucky as hell!

I still feel great physically, no aches or pains or really any complaints all all.  I think that maybe sometimes I get Braxton Hicks but I don't perceive them - I only notice if I put my hand on my belly and realise that it's harder than normal.  Some days I feel like I could sleep all day.  But in general, I feel really healthy, normal and good!

Now I just have to set up the birth pool and we'll be good to go!!  Birth is so unpredictable... I just hope I can acheive some semblance of the birth I want... but at the end of the day, I just can't wait to have my little girl healthy and safe in my arms :-)

37 weeks

38 weeks

Things Not To Say To A Pregnant Woman

One thing I have noticed throughout this experience is that pregnancy and motherhood seems to open up your body, actions and choices to comment, judgement and unsolicited advice from all and sundry, including total strangers.  Now, most of the time I realise this is done with the best of intentions, or maybe just without thinking first about how these comments will affect the recipient.  These are things I never would have thought about myself until having joined the pregnant club, so I decided I would like to share some of the things that get said to pregnant women that irritate me the most.  I am not at all intending this as a dig at anyone, but rather an attempt to share what it feels like from this side of the bump.

I reckon this chick knows where I'm coming from.

Bear in mind that pregnant women are going through a huge change in both their body and life, and they are necessarily awash with hormones, so yes, maybe we are a little oversensitive at times.  I think it's pretty undertstandable!  It occured to me the other day that PMS is just pregnancy hormones which then go away when no pregnancy occurs and you get your period.  However, when during that time, you do get pregnant, then the hormones just ramp up to support that little life inside of you and all the extra life-support it requires in there.  Therefore, pregnancy is pretty much like 9 months of PMS on steriods.

Yeah - handle with care, people.  You have been warned.


No seriously, we're not all pregzillas, but we are still women, and we are going through a major life upheaval.  Really all we need is a little tenderness and consideration.  Bearing this in mind, here are some things NOT to say to a pregnant woman.

1. "Wow, you're HUGE!"

"Twins or triplets?"

"Are you eating for two or three?"

"Holy crap, look at your boobs!"

Any other comment about the size and shape of her body.

Suddenly, when you're pregnant, people all of a sudden feel that all normal social rules are off and your body is open to blunt comment and rude jokes.  Newsflash - pregnant women are still women.  No woman wants to be called huge, pregnant or not.  If you're surprised at the changes in her body, consider how she must be feeling, considering the changes are happening to her own body and she hasn't the slightest bit of control over it (and no, just because her butt is also getting bigger doesn't mean she's using pregnancy as an excuse to stuff her face - every woman puts on weight differently in pregnancy and there's not much she can do to control it).

Pretty much sums it up.

When you think about it, pregnancy is a lot like puberty.  Your body is undergoing a whole bunch of weird changes that you don't quite understand and have absolutely no control over.  So can you imagine going up to a teenage boy and saying something like:

"oh wow you've got a really hairy upper lip for a 14 year old!" or "ooh your voice is still pretty high for a 15 year old isn't it?  Have your balls dropped yet?"

If the boy in question had any kind of gumption whatsoever, his perfectly legitimate response would be "fuck off".

And yet somehow, it's ok to comment on all manner of body changes in a pregnant woman ("oh, I thought you must be almost due, are you having twins?" "wow your boobs have gotten HUGE!" "oh, you're that far along, where is the baby?!") and she is meant to smile and what - agree with you?

I understand that pregnancy brings about rather quick bodily changes that are pretty obvious and sometimes surprising, but please remember that we are still women.  We still want to feel beautiful, we still don't want to be called "huge", we still have the right to go about our daily business without every aspect of our body being public game for judgement and comment (just judge us in your head like you do everyone else!).

I should add that this doesn't necessarily mean every bump comment is off limits.  Depending on how she's feeling on the day, a comment like "ooh isn't your bump looking lovely today" is a positive and friendly way of acknowledging a woman's pregnancy without making her feel like a giant blimp.  Sometimes a discussion about her growing bump, when done in a positive way that includes excitement about the baby inside, can be a really nice thing to share with appropriate people.  One of the things that really peeved me off was comments about my bump as if it were somehow a reflection on me, without any acknowledgement of my baby inside or how exciting that is.  Remember that a bump is just a visible manifestation of the fact that new life is growing inside of her, and that new life is what the woman really wants to talk about.  Also, I find a comment on the size of my boobs far more acceptable from my sister or close friend, than from my random male work colleague or that guy on facebook that you haven't spoken to in ages.

Basically, what I'm saying is - normal rules of social acceptability still apply to pregnant women.  If you wouldn't like it to be said to you, chances are she isn't going to enjoy it either.

2. Labour Horror Stories

Look, I'm going to have to be blunt here - this one really shits me.  Whether or not the baby was planned, by the time she's pregnant enough to notice, you're pretty safe to assume that she's going to have the baby.  Which is most cases means she is going to give birth to the baby.  Out the vajayjay.  It's inevitable, there's no other way out - it's just going to happen and there's nothing she can do about it.  Most days I find myself identifying with Harry here:

Bearing the inevitability of this event in mind, no, I do not want to hear about your horrific 36 hour labour or your cracked pelvis or how much you screamed or generally how horendous labour was for you or about the woman who accidentally gave birth on the toilet and gave her child cerebral palsy.  How do you think that this is going to be helpful or productive in any way?

For one thing, not everyone has a horrible labour.  There are some wonderful birth stories out there, and I think too many women are afraid to tell them because they "feel bad" because not everyone has such a wonderful experience.  Well, I say, own your wonderful labour!  Please tell me about it!  I know I haven't been through labour yet, so this is something I will have to revisit in a month or two, but I currently believe (or am choosing to believe for my own sanity) that reducing the fear of labour will consequently reduce the pain, or if not the pain, at least the panic of the experience.  Why would you think it would be conducive to my own labour experience to fill my head full of fear and terror?

As I have said - the fact that I am going to have to go through labour and birth is inevitable.  If I let it, the mere thought of it would be completely scary and overwhelming.  I firmly believe that the more fear I allow myself to feel, the higher the chances of having one of those awful labours so many people feel intent on telling you about.  So, regardless of whether or not it is true, I choose to believe that my labour and birth can be a wonderful, positive experience.  Seeing as it is going to happen no matter what I believe, I would rather spend my pregnancy excited and happy than living in fear of that rapidly approaching day.

I am very sorry for you if you had a difficult labour experience.  Please allow me to go into my own experience with an open mind and heart.

3. "Enjoy sleep now before it becomes a foreign concept."

"Your life is never going to be the same."

Various other variations on the theme of "your life is now over."

Look, I get it already - having kids is hard.  It's life changing.  They aren't always little darlings and your life has to completely adapt to them and their needs.

I would like to refer you to the picture of Harry above in section 2.  If I am pregnant enough for you to comment on it, then you can be pretty sure I am keeping my baby.  Therefore, you are pretty safe to assume that I have some concept of the fact that I will shortly have a baby in my care and that I have considered the implications of this.  Some people like to suggest that this means you will never sleep or have sex or really have any form of happiness ever again.  The fact that most of these people are already parents only makes it all the more depressing.

As I have said, I am inevitiably going to have a baby.  Can't you just let me be excited about it?  Can't I just be happy about it?  I know it will be hard and that there will be all kinds of trials and tribulations that I currently have no idea about.  Is constantly reminding me that life as I know it is now over really going to assist in making this a positive experience for me?  What is actually the point of these comments other than to impress your own unhappiness upon my experience?

The thing is, I'm sure half of the people who say these things aren't actually unhappy and really love their children.  After dishing out these dire warnings that the end is nigh, they probably go home to a little person who adores them and to all those little tiny moments that make parenthood so special and so worth all the crap that comes with it.  But these moments are moments of the heart, not something that can readily be put into words.  It's much easier to put into words the sleep deprivation, frustration, need for alone time.  But just remember that this is kind of like sharing your plate of gross vegies with me, and then going home to your dessert which you keep all to yourself, leaving me with just the taste of mushy peas in my mouth (peas are gross, the end!).

Parenthood, like anything, has all kind of elements, some wonderful, some not so wonderful.  Catch the right parent on a good day, and they will tell you that your life isn't over, but rather just beginning - that the depth of what you feel when the child you made looks you in the eye and calls you mummy blows any drunken night of alcohol and the freedom of youthful stupidity out of the water.  But regardless of whether you enjoy being a parent or not - I am about to become one and by now, it is too late to change my mind.  So maybe, if you don't have something positive to say about it, perhaps consider whether your comment has any constructive purpose before imposing it upon me.  Believe me, I already have enough apprehension about the whole thing to get me through the day without it being added to.

*******

Let's not forget that this whole thing is a miracle - how it started, what it does to my body, the way it is going to change my life.... it is all a miracle and a gift.  I am pregnant, I am going to have a baby, and I am thrilled about it.  I feel like my life means something.  As someone who was once described as "an experiencer experiencing", I am loving and embracing the most amazing experience I've ever had.  If you would like to share in my excitement, please, comment away.  Constructively.  Just remember that I am still a person with feelings, that your experience doesn't have to be my experience, and that being pregnant doesn't open my life up to any old comment that may happen to run through your head.

Look, after I've had the baby, I realise that I may very well be back here saying "yes, I was huge, yes, it does freaking hurt, and yes, my life is over!"  But this is what it feels like on this side of the fence, and I hope I can remember that once I have made that leap to the other side!

35 Weeks - Home Streeeeeetch

I've been a little quiet on the blog front in the last few weeks, the main reason being - I just haven't had much to report!  My wonderful pregnancy has continued to be a wonderful pregnancy :-)  Little belly is slowly but surely becoming a not-so-little belly, I still need to pee a million times a day, I have the odd aches here and there, but on the whole, all is fabulous :-)

35 weeks - round!!

I finished up at work at 33 weeks so have been enjoying my time at home for a couple of weeks now.  While there has certainly been plenty of book reading and daytime TV watching, I have also been spending the time getting the last few things together for the birth and life beyond!  Nesting is certainly a real phenomenon - I feel this strong NEED to have absolutely everything in order by 37 weeks.  As you may know, labour can begin anywhere from 37 weeks onward (40 weeks is the length of the average pregnancy - most pregnancies go shorter or longer).  I know that being my first baby, chances are I will probably reach at least 40 weeks... but I can't shake this sense of urgency to have everything sorted and ready for whatever moment little bub decides she's ready to join us.  I guess I just don't want anything holding me back in that moment - I want to be able to reach 37 weeks and go "well, just as soon as you feel you're developed enough, I'm waiting here with open arms - I'm ready."

I have really felt very comfortable throughout my pregnancy, so to be honest, it is coming as a bit of a surprise to me that as I reach the 35/36 week mark, a bit of discomfort is beginning to set in.  I can't really walk far without feeling a lot of pressure down low, which makes me feel like I constantly need to pee (can't I just have a catheter?).  My tummy is hard, round, inflexible and full of baby, and things like putting on socks starts becoming difficult if not painful.

This lady makes it look so easy.  It's really not.

If I overdo it on the walking front (by overdo it, I mean walk further than to the fridge or toilet), I can get some aches in the pelvis and start getting a bit of a waddle on.  Sometimes I get a bit achy in my belly, almost a crampy kind of feeling - I've wondered whether that may be Braxton Hicks, but it could also just be growing/stretching pains.  I've still yet to actually perceive a Braxton Hicks contraction, but I have read that sometimes (especially in first pregnancies) women can have them without realising or noticing it.

I also have a head cold at the moment - stuffy cold + pregnant = unsexiest thing ever! :-P  It also makes sleeping even harder than usual - although I haven't had a full uninterupted night's sleep since sometime before 20 weeks, what with all the peeing and just a general inability to get to sleep, which seems to be a fairly common pregnancy complaint.

It's SO TRUE!!

 As slightly annoying as all of these things are, though, none of them is a particularly big deal and overall I am still feeling great :-)  Bub is definitely stronger these days, she likes to lie on the right side and stick a limb out on the left so that I could almost grab it sometimes, I think it is a foot or knee.  I was half afraid she was going to actually break through the skin the first time, but now I'm a bit more used to it and love it - I still find it surreal to think there is actually a human baby in there!

So now, as with all of pregnancy really, we just wait and grow!  If I went into labour next weekend, I would be "full term" enough to give birth at home... but on the otherhand, she could still conceivably be up to 6-7 weeks from joining us!  So in the meantime, I will just keep nesting and getting everything ready and enjoying my last few quiet weeks for a while!

Have I mentioned the constant need to pee??

30 Weeks - The Rollercoaster of Pregnancy

So here I am, 30 weeks, three quarters of the way there.  And what a rollercoaster ride it has been!

I remember crouching in the toilets at my new work and the disbelief of that second faint pink line (yeah, I took some poetic license with the name of my blog, the first one was actually pink!).

I remember the disbelief of six more faint lines and digital confirmations and the doctor quoting me an HCG level.

I remember the scary angry face that greeted my words "I need to talk to you about something..." and the frozen shocked face that followed.

I remember not being able to believe that it was real, I remember dreams about miscarriage and checking for blood every single time I went to the toilet.

I remember thinking that after the first scan, I would stop worring and really trust that I was having a baby and that she was going to be alright.  Then I thought the second scan would do that.  Then I went for a third because I just had to see again that she was alright.

She was.

Little bub face at 29 weeks

 Now that I have reached the third trimester and know that even if she were born now, she would have a huge chance of surviving with the right care, I finally pretty much believe that I am having a baby.  But it doesn't stop me worrying about her.

I get the feeling that, maybe, this is a worry I'm going to have to learn to live with for the rest of my life.

Pregnancy really is a rollercoaster.  There are good days and teary days and fat days and tired days.  It occured to me that pregnancy is kind of like having a UTI, gastrointestinal disease, mild bipolar disorder, sinusitis, chronic fatigue syndrome and some kind of aggressively growing abdominal tumour all at once!

And yet, it's not like any of those things.  Because even when you're feeling at your lowest, totally shattered and wondering who invented this whole "pregnancy glow" bullshit, it's often just at that moment that you'll feel a little wriggle in your tummy or a foot tickling your ribs.

And in that moment, you just know - you would do anything for her.

29 weeks

30 weeks - one quarter left to go!

Although she is still a fairly quiet little girl, Daddy C has managed to feel a couple of little wriggles now.  I really love being able to share a bit of her with him.  I am slowly accumulating baby things and thinking about when to finish up at work - probably in another two weeks and I can't wait!  I definitely feel like my body is slowing down - suddenly an afternoon at the footy is the most exhausting thing I could do, sending me to bed at 8:30 pm like a nana and still leaving me struggling to get up for work 9 hours later!

I'm looking forward to having a few weeks to chill, read my baby books, listen to my hippy hypnobirthing CDs and just generally... prepare.  I have this inexplainable sense that I just need... time - time to rest, time to think, time to ready myself in some way for what is ahead of me.

I'm looking forward to enjoying my last few weeks of being pregnant, and more than anything - I can't wait to meet our little girl and give her all the cuddles I've been saving up for her.

27 Weeks - Hungry, Hormonal, Healthy

Hungry
Hunger in pregnancy is different from normal hunger, I have found.  Before being pregnant, I could notice my hunger without having to fulfil it, and could ignore it if necessary.  Hunger in pregnancy is HUNGER!  As in, I MUST EAT SOMETHING RIGHT THIS MINUTE hunger.  It is an urgent kind of hunger that absolutely must be filled if you hope to function in any shape or form.  In fact, sometimes I don't actually know I'm hungry, I just suddenly feel strange, out-of-sorts, incredibly tired and kind of restless... put a big carby feed in front of me (hot chips, steamy pasta, all such good things) and suddenly I'm awake again and feeling a million times better.  I also find myself grazing for hours - I tell ya, this is a hungry little bub!  Even when I'm full, it's a kind of "yep I'm full but I really could keep eating if I wanted to" kind of full.  Daddy C says that now I know what it's like to be a boy :-P

Hormonal
I'm aware that so far I may have made pregnancy sound like a completely joyous walk in the park... well, no, it's not quite rainbows and lollypops 24/7.  Some days you're happy and on top of the world... but then there are the other days.  The days you feel teary without really knowing why, the days you feel like you'll smack the next person in the face who comments in any way on the size or shape of your body, the days you feel like you just want to sleep for days and instead have to push your way through a day of work, the days you feel like a giant heffalump, the days you really just want a glass of WINE and can't have one, the days your partner goes out for a quality evening of drinking beer and getting smashed and you realise that you are never going to have your pre-baby life back ever again.

Of course, when it really comes down to it, you know that this baby is going to be more rewarding than all the partying in the world ever was, and that all the discomforts of pregnancy will be more than worth it when you are holding that very wanted little girl in your arms.  But I think it's more than normal to have the odd moment of mourning the life you are leaving behind, just as most of the time you are excited and looking forward to the life ahead of you.

Healthy
Headed to my GP the other day to get referred for a blood test, as I wanted to check my iron levels before I see my midwife next week.  She had a feel of my tummy and confirmed my suspicion that little girl likes to lie with her head down in my pelvis and bum up near my ribs - not so fun for my bladder capacity, but great for the impending exit, so hopefully she continues to favour that position!

The GP also managed to talk me into the 27 week gestational diabetes test, which I had been planning on refusing seeing as I have absolutely zero risk factors (no family history of diabetes, young, slim, not of certain ethnic backgrounds) but at the end of the day, I was going for a blood test anyway so I decided to give that battle up if just to get the GP off my back!  It's really not a difficult test, they just give you a glucose drink and then take a blood test an hour later to see if your body has processed the glucose normally.  If it hasn't, then you progress to a more convoluted test.  Luckily mine was all clear and fine, so I don't think I would do the test again in future as I feel it is unnecessary for me.

 

  All my other parameters came back normal also, except for my iron, which had dropped dramatically.  I knew babies used up a lot of iron, I just had no idea how much!  So I will be gulping my iron tonic like there is no tomorrow.

But otherwise we are both healthy and happy and growing along well :-)  Besides getting up 50 million times a night to pee, this pregnancy has been a very healthy and happy one so far - may it continue that way!  I have decided to reduce my work hours down to four days a week, as 40 hours was getting a bit much for my easily exhausted self these days, and I have felt much better and on top of things since then.  I have also begun my nesting, setting up my change table, cot and pram and going shopping for cot linen, which I found rather disproportionately exciting :-P  Hopefully my little girl hasn't grown a peepee cos she's got a lot of pink stuff!

The 25 week bellysplosion

26 weeks

27 weeks - definitely preggers now!

24 Weeks - Babymoon!

Over the last few weeks, Daddy C and I have taken the (rapidly diminishing) opportunity to take a couple of trips while it's still just us two.

First we went to Perth for a few days, the Western Australian capital where Daddy C grew up, for St Patrick's Day.  Daddy C enjoyed lots of Guiness and Mummy Em enjoyed lots of gorgeous sunny weather!

19 weeks pregnant, meeting the locals in sunny Perth!

 Then about a week ago we spent a lovely weekend together in the Gold Coast.  The sun and beach were stunning and we really enjoyed the chance to have a couple of days away together.  I have to admit, it was almost bittersweet... I had this feeling like I was living out something that would become a memory, one I would cherish (with a little bit of longing) in years to come.

Beautiful Surfer's Paradise on the Gold Coast

 Since then... well back to real life and the babymoon is over! :-P  My little belly has been growing up a storm!  I've even noticed a growing pattern - I get really hungry over the weekend and then on about Tuesday or Wednesday, my belly suddenly looks heaps bigger.  Then I'm not as hungry for a couple of days... and then the pattern repeats!  I even had ligament pain this past weekend, an achy, stretchy feeling in my bump - growing pains, basically!  My uterus is up way past my belly button now, pretty much as high as it can go - so it's only out from here!

It's a funny stage of pregnancy, this second half of the second trimester.  All the ultrasound scans are done but it's not quite countdown time yet... so you just kind of sit and grow!  You have to create your own little  milestones... the first time she jumps on your bladder (today), the first time you get offered a seat on the rush hour train (today... guess I must really look preggers now!), the first time Daddy C is able to feel her from the outside (still to come - I'm looking forward to that!).

At our hospital appointment a couple of weeks ago, the doctor reviewed the notes on my previous pelvic fracture and gave our homebirth the go-ahead - which is very exciting!

It might sound weird, but I was quite happy to learn that my little munchkin is now "viable" - which means she would have a half decent chance of surviving outside the womb with the right care.  The more time goes by, the more I feel like I can really believe that I am really going to have a baby!  She even has hair now, on her head as well as little eyebrows and eyelashes.

A little bub at 24 weeks

As much as I get impatient, time is definitely flying... less than 16 weeks until another little human being joins our lives!

23 weeks

24 weeks - yesterday