This Blog Has Moved

To all my loyal followers and anyone new who stumbles across this page:

This blog has moved and is now hosted at:

http://www.lifeaftertwobluelines.com

I have carried across all my old posts from this Blogger blog to the new site, so it is all still there for your enjoyment and my memories, and will be endeavouring to write new posts fairly regularly (I have about a million in my head!).

I hope to see you over there! :-)

The Milestone Trap

As a first time mum, I try as much as possible to avoid falling into what I call The Milestone Trap.

At times it can seem like all around me there are babies who are rolling, crawling, walking, joining mensa... you know, reaching all those big milestones, while my own baby is nowhere near it.  As a first timer, it can make you start to question... "Is something wrong with my baby?" "Why isn't my bubba doing that yet?"

When I find myself falling into that trap of comparison, I have to remind myself that there is a huge range of "normal" when it comes to children, especially babies.  Even physiotherapists have been known to say that "there is no abnormal under 1".  I've heard of babies walking at 7 months, and I've heard of babies that didn't crawl until they were 11 months and then were off and walking two weeks later.

The most important point to remember is that neither way is better.  Doing it earlier doesn't mean the baby is cleverer or that the parent is somehow doing a better job.  Doing it later doesn't mean the baby is slow or dumb or that it's due to slack parenting.  All babies develop on their own schedule when it is right for them.

Some parents find themselves wanting to rush their baby along - to "teach" it how to crawl, to stand, to walk.  I think, if you do this, you run two great risks.  Firstly you risk pushing the baby out of alignment with its own natural line of development and pushing it into skills its not ready for.  And secondly, by always looking ahead and wanting your baby to be doing the next thing, the next thing, the next thing... you risk not being able to stop and appreciate your baby just exactly as they are right now. 

So your baby doesn't crawl yet?  Unless they're over one or show other signs of developmental delay... who cares?  There are lots of advantages to having a baby that can't get into the kitchen drawers!  Just enjoy it.  Enjoy who your baby is.  Enjoy watching your baby develop on its own timeframe.  Don't be in a hurry.  Because the time will come when you look back on this age with a kind of aching nostalgia and wish you could go back and hold that sweet still infant on your lap again and smell their head... without being punched in the face.

This is a video I absolute love, of a baby called Liv as she develops the skills of rolling over and crawling in the first year of life.  What I absolutely love about this video is how it shows all the tiny little steps that lead up to the bigger milestone - placing her feet together, kicking the floor... little things that may go unnoticed but are actually crucial stepping stones in the learning process that eventually end up in the big action you've been waiting for.

Another thing I love about it is the look of absolute pride on her face when she learns to roll over.  Another risk of trying to teach a baby something it's not ready for is that you deprive it of that proud feeling of acheivement babies get when they figure something out all by themselves.

At the moment, Scarlett has just learned to pull herself up to standing while holding onto the couch.  Every time she does it, she gets the biggest grin and laughs.  It's the cutest thing ever!  She's so proud of herself and so amazed at what she just made her body do.

And so I try not to get caught up in the big milestones.  They aren't the only milestones anyway.  I remember the day she smiled for the first time, without it being followed by a burp or a poo...

Bubba's first smile at 10 days old :-)

I remember the day she lay and examined each individual finger one by one, as if just discovering that they were separate from each other...

Hrmmm, I found these little sausages on my hands...

I remember the first time she laughed at something because she found it funny, not because I was trying to make her laugh (I sat her up in the bath for the first time instead of lying her down - she slapped the water and thought it was the most hilarious thing ever!)...

Baths are fun!

I remember so many little funny gorgeous things... things that aren't in most baby books or developmental emails, things only a mumma would notice.  And somehow that makes them all the more special to me, those little milestones, those tiny moments frozen in time.  And they're all part of the process, all part of her learning about herself and her world, just as much as the big, well known milestones like crawling and walking.

Whenever I catch myself comparing her to other babies, I just use it as a trigger thought to remind me to appreciate her for exactly who she is, as she is.  She is my Scarlett, she is doing things her way (as is every baby), and why would I wish her any different?  She is perfect just as she is.

Oh Child Asleep Upon My Knee

When my bubba was very small, my mum sent me this poem she had heard years ago.  It brings tears to my eyes everytime I read it.  Screw the washing and the cleaning - my small excuse, you're growing too fast.

Oh Child Asleep Upon My Knee

Oh child asleep upon my knee
what will your memories be of me?
When you are grown and think of now,
will you stop and remember how
the floors were dusty as you played
and dishes seldom put away,
I rarely got to make those beds...
or all those books we read and read?
Will you remember on the chair
the pile of wrinkled nappies there
that seemed to stay forever, or,
the other things I had time for?
You might recall my face was plain,
hair unkempt and apron stained,
or how from school back home you'd tear
safe knowing I was always there.

Oh child asleep upon my knee
you've made my life such luxury.
If not for you I'd have to do
the cleaning and the ironing too,
I couldn't move at my own pace,
I'd have to join in the rat race.
From nine to five in stiffened clothes
 with clipped-up hair and powdered nose.
You fill my life with many reasons
for being lazy through the seasons.
But with each autumn as you grow
I think it's such a shame to know
my small excuse, you're growing fast
this peaceful life, it will not last.
But perhaps when I am old and grey
my grandchildren will come to stay,
and with housework neglected then
my house I know will shine again.

9 Months: Clapping, Waving, Standing

Well, we are almost at the end of another month and bubba is becoming such a little person.  I feel like she has gotten so much bigger recently... not necessarily physically, just less... baby-like.  My little baby has gone!  In her place is this little girl who gets cleverer and more independent by the day.

Early in the month she figured out clapping all by herself - and decided to express her love for food by applauding every mouthful.

The daycare lady had been trying to elicit a wave from bubba for ages and drawing only blank "what the hell are you doing" stares.  But once she had discovered clapping, she soon decided waving was good fun too.  Although she doesn't quite grasp the "coming and going" sense of it, more just that it's a fun way to flail your arms around and get people to exclaim happily in high pitched voices.

And then a few days ago, we discovered that she could stand against the couch all by herself!  She has always loved to be held into a standing position - but one day I let go and she just kept standing there!  Holding onto the couch mind you, but still... she was pretty darn proud of herself and I couldn't believe what a grown up little girl she looked.

The next day she even pulled herself into a standing position.  It's only happened the once so far, but I was pretty surprised!  Clever monkey!

A funny thing happened the other night.  I've never really played peekaboo with her cos she never really seemed to "get" it - she would just look at me like "seriously?"  But then the other night, she was down the end of the couch and she started peeking over the top, cracking up laughing and dropping down again.  She did it over and over, it was so cute!

I feel like she has changed so much over the past few weeks and I feel like I'm settling more and more into motherhood.  As she grows and becomes more interactive and more like a little person, I find myself enjoying it more and more.  Yes, I still get frustrated.  But I'm learning that the trick is to alter my expectations.  If I don't expect to spend an hour reading my book, if I don't expect to sleep through the night without interruption, then I don't have to get frustrated when those expectations/desires aren't met.  And when I do happen to get a moment with my book or a good night's sleep, then I can just enjoy them as happy little bonuses.  All in all, I'm starting to see what this motherhood thing is all about. 

The older she gets, the more rewarding it gets.  I would say I've definitely enjoyed this age the most so far.  The only thing I'm not quite sure of is whether that's actually because of her age or because of my own personal growth.

Understanding Breastfeeding Aversion

Yesterday I came across this post about breastfeeding on the alivingfamily blog.  In it, the author describes her feelings of breastfeeding aversion while feeding her toddler, which surfaced while pregnant with her second baby.  As I read the way she described the feelings, I felt this massive surge of relief wash over me.  And then I turned to google and started researching breastfeeding aversion, which I had never heard of until now.

The reason I felt these feelings of relief and almost excitement, is because the feelings of aversion while breastfeeding that she describes in that post are exactly how I have always felt about breastfeeding, right from the beginning.  I have written on here once before about my love/hate (and to be honest, it was more of the latter than the former) relationship with breastfeeding.  At that point, I was in the middle of my breastfeeing experience and trying to come to terms with how I was feeling, trying to maintain a positive outlook on it, as I knew I had to continue until at least 6 months (we were moving interstate when bubba was 6 months old and I felt that breastfeeding would be a lot more convenient for the move!).

For this reason, I don't think I was entirely truthful about my feelings, even in that raw and honest post.  After reading Sheila's post on alivingfamily, I started googling like mad and hungrily reading up the limited information I found.  While there seems to be little official information, the web is filled with desperate and confused women describing all the feelings I had while breastfeeding.

"when my son wanted to feed I dreaded having to do it, felt almost repulsed the whole time, it made my skin crawl, I felt ‘wrong’ and it lasted during the whole feed, sometimes getting worse during the feed." (source)

"Some people go as far to say that feeding feels like they are being 'molested'. Another mother says 'After the feed I'm angry at myself, but during the feed I'm just sitting there resenting **** and wanting to hit him' whilst another responds ' it's hard to admit that sometimes you really do want to hurt your baby. Except that, at the same time, you really don't.'" (source)

"I felt an overpowering urge to stop nursing, immediately. It was a visceral, gut reaction like an itch, making me tense, anxious, cranky, and agitated." (source)

"...it was so instinctive to recoil from nursing that I really almost couldn’t help myself. I had a strong urge to pick her up and throw her off of me and run away from her. I was in no way prepared for it and I felt like the worst mother on the planet" (source)

"For months I've been dealing with more than feeling touched-out, more than just being a bit antsy. I've had a genuine dread of breastfeeds, a feeling like breastfeeding is like being touched by a creepy uncle, that it's wrong and it's weird and it must stop now." (source)

I wish I could accurately portray to you the feeling of relief I get reading these words coming from other people's mouths.  It makes me feel validated, it makes me feel understood, it makes my whole breastfeeding experience finally, finally make some kind of strange awful sense.  Apparently this is more common in women who continue breastfeeding through pregnancy or are nursing an older child - but I certainly experienced this right from the very beginning of breastfeeding and surely there must be others out there like me.

I never even questioned, while I was pregnant, that I would breastfeed my baby.  It wasn't a decision, it was an assumption.  I expected to enjoy it, for it to be the magical bonding experience so many women seem to love.

I wasn't prepared for the pain in the beginning, but pain can be overcome.  What was worse was what came after the pain.  Other people's words above have described it perfectly - the feeling of wrongness, of skin crawling antsy-ness, of wanting to fling your baby away from you and scream GET THE HELL OFF MY BREAST!!  My favourite is the last quote above - where she describes dreading breastfeeding and a feeling like you're being touched up by a creepy uncle.  That's exactly it.  Molested is a harsh word but there you go, I said it anyway - it feels like being violated, like doing something physically that every visceral piece of you doesn't want to do.

As one of the mothers quoted above said, "I felt like the worst mother on the planet".  All these other women seemed to love breastfeeding, to find it a special bonding experience, to do it past infancy, to not want to stop.  I have been looking back lately, wondering to myself - do those women just have a very different experience of breastfeeding than I did, or are they just better at coping with it?  Are they just better women - better mothers?

Having stumbled across this information about breastfeeding aversion, discovering that other women have felt what I felt about breastfeeding, makes me feel like yelling from the rooftops: I AM NOT A BAD MOTHER AFTER ALL!  It's a genuine experience that some women have, it does not mean you don't love your baby or that you don't have the right maternal instincts or that you lack some kind of essential mothering ability.

Experiencing breastfeeding aversion does not make you a bad mother.  

I just want to say it over and over again, for myself and for any other woman who has ever had this confusing, gut wrenching experience.

Hating breastfeeding does not make you a bad mother.

One of the hardest things about writing about this, is that describing feelings of wanting to fling your baby off you or hating having them at the breast may make it sound like you don't care for your baby or you lack some attachment to them.  This is so far from the truth.  In fact, that's what makes this experience so difficult, so confusing.  You love your baby, you want the absolute best for you baby - that's why you put yourself through these feelings over and over again, multiple times a day.  I remember how much I couldn't stand feeding and yet when she looked up at me with those eyes...

... oh god, she NEEDED me, she needed me and how could I fail her?  How could I have those feelings about doing something so beautiful for someone so incredibly beautiful?  

Even now, looking at that photo makes me well up with tears.  She needed me so much - oh my little one, I did the best I could for you.

In the early days I contemplated weaning but found I still had an instinctive need to keep breastfeeding - and the feelings were at a manageable level.  But it got worse as time went on.  Once she got to about 5 months old, the long nighttime feeding sessions were like an incredibly unusual form of torture.  

I held on to 6 months and as soon as we arrived in our new city, I began the switch to bottlefeeding, which thankfully went quickly and easily.  My boobs shrunk quickly and my bubba was happy on bottles.  I was happy with her on bottles.  Oh the relief.  Oh the immense relief to leave my breasts inside my bra all day and not have anyone suckle on them.  Oh the relief to hold my baby and feed her without my breasts being involved, to feel nothing but love.  Oh I can't even describe to you the relief.

If I ever have another baby, I will spend the whole pregnancy freaking out about breastfeeding.  Because I really do believe in the importance of breastmilk in the early months.  But the thought of having to do it again makes me feel like putting on a steel bra with a lock and throwing away the key.  It makes me feel like crossing my arms tightly across my chest and curling into a corner.

I felt I needed to write this post because I feel like I want people to be aware of this issue, to know it exists, to understand.  I want the staunch breastfeeding activists to read this.  I want people who judge those who bottlefeed to read this.  I want anyone who has ever had or who is currently having this experience to read this.  I want them all to understand that this is a real phenomenon, and that it can be unbearable.

I want to tell them - 

- I want to tell myself - 

- hating breastfeeding does not make you a bad mother.

Attachment Parenting Says You ARE Mum Enough

Doubtless by now most of you have seen the controversial TIME magazine cover, featuring a woman breastfeeding her almost 4 year old boy, screaming the headline "Are You Mom Enough?"  It seems to be all over the news and social media right now.

Oh man.  I don't even know where to start with this.  This cover angers me in so many ways.

Firstly, it pretty much sums up a lot of what I have experienced in the modern world of parenting - so much division and judgement, so many people examining every parenting choice you make to figure out if you are "mum enough".  Rather than joining us together as a sisterhood, as a human family, becoming a mother these days is to put yourself under the microscope of ARE YOU GOOD ENOUGH... and 9 times out of 10 you'll feel the answer is a resounding "No" - even if you're doing everything "right".

As if women didn't judge each other enough!  As if people in general didn't judge mothers enough!  As if mothers didn't subject themselves to enough guilt and judgement every single day!  And then we get this - a popular magazine screaming all over the newstands the idea that some women are "more mum" than others.

That brings me to the second issue I have with it - breastfeeding is already a highly contentious topic in mother-land.  You have the "breast is best and anything less is child abuse" nazis and you have the "breastfeeding is yuck" ignorants - and inbetween you have a whole swathe of women just trying to do the best by their babies the best way they know how.  This cover is deeply offensive to a whole hoard of loving mothers who are unable to or choose not to breastfeed.  I am personally offended by this cover.  I no longer breastfeed my baby.  I feed her formula with as much love as she can handle.  Does that mean I am not "mum enough" for my baby?

But one of the worst things about this cover is that TIME magazine have gotten their wires seriously crossed and completely confused two separate issues.  The article is apparently actually about attachment parenting (the cover has made me feel so judged already that I have no intention of actually reading the article).  However, because of their sensationalist choice of cover photo and words, all of the attention, controversy and conversation has become focused on extended breastfeeding past infancy.  Which is a COMPLETELY separate issue.

Did you know that Attachment Parenting is a philosophy that embraces all parents who want to raise their children with love and compassion, regardless of whether they breastfeed or not?  Attachment Parenting International states that "The essence of Attachment Parenting is about forming and nurturing strong connections between parents and their children".  If you read the API's eight principles of attachment parenting (found here), they include feeding with love, responding to your children with love and sensitivity, encouraging nuturing touch, and striving for life balance.

Attachment parenting is an INCLUSIVE philosophy.  Sadly, there are people, having seen the pain life can bring, that think they shouldn't encourage their children to become too attached to them.  That they should teach them to "do it on their own" early, so as to ready them for the harsh realities of life.  The truth is, the more you foster a strong, attached bond with your child in early life, the more secure and confident they will become as people, and the better able to cope with life's disappointments and setbacks in the future.

Think about this: imagine you are learning to walk a tightrope.  In one scenario, imagine your instructor is sometimes there to catch you when you fall... but sometimes isn't.  On the other hand, imagine your instructor is there every single time you fall, without fail - you absolutely trust that they will be there to catch you.  Imagine the rope is raised higher and higher as you learn.  Which instructor do you think would make you feel safe and confident about stepping out onto that rope?  The one who lets you fall sometimes so that you know what it's like?  Or the one who has always been there beside you, no matter what?

This isn't just lovey dovey hippy talk - scientified studies have shown that children who have a strong bond with their parents become more confident, independent young people.  They are not afraid to be independent because they know if something goes really wrong, there will always be someone to fall back on.   As opposed to a child who has had "independence" forced upon them, who will only become more clingy, searching for their parents' love.

All in all, then, attachment parenting is about loving and nuturing your child with respect and compassion and using gentle parenting techniques.  How infinitely sad that TIME magazine has taken what could have been a great opportunity to educate people on this beautiful parenting philosophy, and turned it into a huge judgement statement that suggests that some mothers are "more mum" than others, turned it into a heated breastfeeding debate, turned it into YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

The whole point of attachment parenting to me is that YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH!  You are good enough to love your child and all they really need is your love. 

This morning on breastfast television they were discussing this cover and going on about breastfeeding being "the best start in life" and one of the women said "The thing that gives children the best start in life is love." 

That is what is really comes down to.  Love.  Teaching your child that it is ok to love, it is ok to feel strongly attached to another human being.  Because yes, attachment is risky to the heart - if you lose that person somehow, the pain will be immense.  But if we didn't allow ourselves to love, to be attached to people we care about - then what would life be?!  We have to run the risk of great pain in order to experience great love and joy.

There are many "ideals" of attachment parenting - co-sleeping, babywearing, breastfeeding.  But at the end of the day, you parent with love in the way that works for you.  My baby sleeps in her own room - but the slightest hint of a cry and I am there to rock and love her.  For short trips I take my baby in the carrier close to my chest - but for long trips I take her in the pram (with regular chats and kisses).  I feed my baby from a bottle - but whenever I feed her, I hold her in my arms and kiss her forehead.

I do not need to follow a list of "approved practices" in order to be "mum enough".  I parent my baby with all the love in my heart and teach her that I will ALWAYS be there for her and have her back.

I am all the mum my baby needs.

Accepting Imperfection

One of the biggest lessons of parenthood is about accepting imperfection.  Your own, your baby's... life's.  I am far from the perfect parent... every day when I go to bed I must forgive myself the many tiny imperfections of the way to parented that day.  Every day I have to accept things that haven't gone quite the way I would like, to accept a lack of control over events, circumstances, people... life.  To accept each moment as it is, not as I thought it should be.  To embrace mess and chaos.

Because I've come to realise that the perfect parent doesn't exist.  We're all just doing the best we know how and being the best we are able to be.  Because nobody is perfect and the sooner we accept imperfection in ourselves and others, the sooner we can truly be present to what IS, to appreciate the beauty that can be found in the speckled imperfections of life.

I have so many blog posts stored up in my head.  I can see how they look, how they sound, how the words flow perfectly.  But somehow I haven't written them down yet, because I know that when it comes to it, I won't be able to make them as perfect as the ideas in my head.  I know there will be flaws, places where I couldn't find quite the right picture, sentences that don't flow quite right.  And so it all goes unsaid, unwritten, because I can't accept my own imperfection.

From now on, I'm going to try to just embrace the imperfection.  To accept that I am MY version of a mother, MY version of a person, MY version of a writer - and that the imperfections are really the things that make us who we are, and that's ok.  I'm going to try to realise that life is better lived imperfectly out loud than perfectly in my head.

I think blog posts are much better with pictures - easier to read, more interesting.  This blog post doesn't have a picture.

Expect much more imperfection from me to come :-)