Understanding Breastfeeding Aversion

Yesterday I came across this post about breastfeeding on the alivingfamily blog.  In it, the author describes her feelings of breastfeeding aversion while feeding her toddler, which surfaced while pregnant with her second baby.  As I read the way she described the feelings, I felt this massive surge of relief wash over me.  And then I turned to google and started researching breastfeeding aversion, which I had never heard of until now.

The reason I felt these feelings of relief and almost excitement, is because the feelings of aversion while breastfeeding that she describes in that post are exactly how I have always felt about breastfeeding, right from the beginning.  I have written on here once before about my love/hate (and to be honest, it was more of the latter than the former) relationship with breastfeeding.  At that point, I was in the middle of my breastfeeing experience and trying to come to terms with how I was feeling, trying to maintain a positive outlook on it, as I knew I had to continue until at least 6 months (we were moving interstate when bubba was 6 months old and I felt that breastfeeding would be a lot more convenient for the move!).

For this reason, I don't think I was entirely truthful about my feelings, even in that raw and honest post.  After reading Sheila's post on alivingfamily, I started googling like mad and hungrily reading up the limited information I found.  While there seems to be little official information, the web is filled with desperate and confused women describing all the feelings I had while breastfeeding.

"when my son wanted to feed I dreaded having to do it, felt almost repulsed the whole time, it made my skin crawl, I felt ‘wrong’ and it lasted during the whole feed, sometimes getting worse during the feed." (source)

"Some people go as far to say that feeding feels like they are being 'molested'. Another mother says 'After the feed I'm angry at myself, but during the feed I'm just sitting there resenting **** and wanting to hit him' whilst another responds ' it's hard to admit that sometimes you really do want to hurt your baby. Except that, at the same time, you really don't.'" (source)

"I felt an overpowering urge to stop nursing, immediately. It was a visceral, gut reaction like an itch, making me tense, anxious, cranky, and agitated." (source)

"...it was so instinctive to recoil from nursing that I really almost couldn’t help myself. I had a strong urge to pick her up and throw her off of me and run away from her. I was in no way prepared for it and I felt like the worst mother on the planet" (source)

"For months I've been dealing with more than feeling touched-out, more than just being a bit antsy. I've had a genuine dread of breastfeeds, a feeling like breastfeeding is like being touched by a creepy uncle, that it's wrong and it's weird and it must stop now." (source)

I wish I could accurately portray to you the feeling of relief I get reading these words coming from other people's mouths.  It makes me feel validated, it makes me feel understood, it makes my whole breastfeeding experience finally, finally make some kind of strange awful sense.  Apparently this is more common in women who continue breastfeeding through pregnancy or are nursing an older child - but I certainly experienced this right from the very beginning of breastfeeding and surely there must be others out there like me.

I never even questioned, while I was pregnant, that I would breastfeed my baby.  It wasn't a decision, it was an assumption.  I expected to enjoy it, for it to be the magical bonding experience so many women seem to love.

I wasn't prepared for the pain in the beginning, but pain can be overcome.  What was worse was what came after the pain.  Other people's words above have described it perfectly - the feeling of wrongness, of skin crawling antsy-ness, of wanting to fling your baby away from you and scream GET THE HELL OFF MY BREAST!!  My favourite is the last quote above - where she describes dreading breastfeeding and a feeling like you're being touched up by a creepy uncle.  That's exactly it.  Molested is a harsh word but there you go, I said it anyway - it feels like being violated, like doing something physically that every visceral piece of you doesn't want to do.

As one of the mothers quoted above said, "I felt like the worst mother on the planet".  All these other women seemed to love breastfeeding, to find it a special bonding experience, to do it past infancy, to not want to stop.  I have been looking back lately, wondering to myself - do those women just have a very different experience of breastfeeding than I did, or are they just better at coping with it?  Are they just better women - better mothers?

Having stumbled across this information about breastfeeding aversion, discovering that other women have felt what I felt about breastfeeding, makes me feel like yelling from the rooftops: I AM NOT A BAD MOTHER AFTER ALL!  It's a genuine experience that some women have, it does not mean you don't love your baby or that you don't have the right maternal instincts or that you lack some kind of essential mothering ability.

Experiencing breastfeeding aversion does not make you a bad mother.  

I just want to say it over and over again, for myself and for any other woman who has ever had this confusing, gut wrenching experience.

Hating breastfeeding does not make you a bad mother.

One of the hardest things about writing about this, is that describing feelings of wanting to fling your baby off you or hating having them at the breast may make it sound like you don't care for your baby or you lack some attachment to them.  This is so far from the truth.  In fact, that's what makes this experience so difficult, so confusing.  You love your baby, you want the absolute best for you baby - that's why you put yourself through these feelings over and over again, multiple times a day.  I remember how much I couldn't stand feeding and yet when she looked up at me with those eyes...

... oh god, she NEEDED me, she needed me and how could I fail her?  How could I have those feelings about doing something so beautiful for someone so incredibly beautiful?  

Even now, looking at that photo makes me well up with tears.  She needed me so much - oh my little one, I did the best I could for you.

In the early days I contemplated weaning but found I still had an instinctive need to keep breastfeeding - and the feelings were at a manageable level.  But it got worse as time went on.  Once she got to about 5 months old, the long nighttime feeding sessions were like an incredibly unusual form of torture.  

I held on to 6 months and as soon as we arrived in our new city, I began the switch to bottlefeeding, which thankfully went quickly and easily.  My boobs shrunk quickly and my bubba was happy on bottles.  I was happy with her on bottles.  Oh the relief.  Oh the immense relief to leave my breasts inside my bra all day and not have anyone suckle on them.  Oh the relief to hold my baby and feed her without my breasts being involved, to feel nothing but love.  Oh I can't even describe to you the relief.

If I ever have another baby, I will spend the whole pregnancy freaking out about breastfeeding.  Because I really do believe in the importance of breastmilk in the early months.  But the thought of having to do it again makes me feel like putting on a steel bra with a lock and throwing away the key.  It makes me feel like crossing my arms tightly across my chest and curling into a corner.

I felt I needed to write this post because I feel like I want people to be aware of this issue, to know it exists, to understand.  I want the staunch breastfeeding activists to read this.  I want people who judge those who bottlefeed to read this.  I want anyone who has ever had or who is currently having this experience to read this.  I want them all to understand that this is a real phenomenon, and that it can be unbearable.

I want to tell them - 

- I want to tell myself - 

- hating breastfeeding does not make you a bad mother.

Attachment Parenting Says You ARE Mum Enough

Doubtless by now most of you have seen the controversial TIME magazine cover, featuring a woman breastfeeding her almost 4 year old boy, screaming the headline "Are You Mom Enough?"  It seems to be all over the news and social media right now.

Oh man.  I don't even know where to start with this.  This cover angers me in so many ways.

Firstly, it pretty much sums up a lot of what I have experienced in the modern world of parenting - so much division and judgement, so many people examining every parenting choice you make to figure out if you are "mum enough".  Rather than joining us together as a sisterhood, as a human family, becoming a mother these days is to put yourself under the microscope of ARE YOU GOOD ENOUGH... and 9 times out of 10 you'll feel the answer is a resounding "No" - even if you're doing everything "right".

As if women didn't judge each other enough!  As if people in general didn't judge mothers enough!  As if mothers didn't subject themselves to enough guilt and judgement every single day!  And then we get this - a popular magazine screaming all over the newstands the idea that some women are "more mum" than others.

That brings me to the second issue I have with it - breastfeeding is already a highly contentious topic in mother-land.  You have the "breast is best and anything less is child abuse" nazis and you have the "breastfeeding is yuck" ignorants - and inbetween you have a whole swathe of women just trying to do the best by their babies the best way they know how.  This cover is deeply offensive to a whole hoard of loving mothers who are unable to or choose not to breastfeed.  I am personally offended by this cover.  I no longer breastfeed my baby.  I feed her formula with as much love as she can handle.  Does that mean I am not "mum enough" for my baby?

But one of the worst things about this cover is that TIME magazine have gotten their wires seriously crossed and completely confused two separate issues.  The article is apparently actually about attachment parenting (the cover has made me feel so judged already that I have no intention of actually reading the article).  However, because of their sensationalist choice of cover photo and words, all of the attention, controversy and conversation has become focused on extended breastfeeding past infancy.  Which is a COMPLETELY separate issue.

Did you know that Attachment Parenting is a philosophy that embraces all parents who want to raise their children with love and compassion, regardless of whether they breastfeed or not?  Attachment Parenting International states that "The essence of Attachment Parenting is about forming and nurturing strong connections between parents and their children".  If you read the API's eight principles of attachment parenting (found here), they include feeding with love, responding to your children with love and sensitivity, encouraging nuturing touch, and striving for life balance.

Attachment parenting is an INCLUSIVE philosophy.  Sadly, there are people, having seen the pain life can bring, that think they shouldn't encourage their children to become too attached to them.  That they should teach them to "do it on their own" early, so as to ready them for the harsh realities of life.  The truth is, the more you foster a strong, attached bond with your child in early life, the more secure and confident they will become as people, and the better able to cope with life's disappointments and setbacks in the future.

Think about this: imagine you are learning to walk a tightrope.  In one scenario, imagine your instructor is sometimes there to catch you when you fall... but sometimes isn't.  On the other hand, imagine your instructor is there every single time you fall, without fail - you absolutely trust that they will be there to catch you.  Imagine the rope is raised higher and higher as you learn.  Which instructor do you think would make you feel safe and confident about stepping out onto that rope?  The one who lets you fall sometimes so that you know what it's like?  Or the one who has always been there beside you, no matter what?

This isn't just lovey dovey hippy talk - scientified studies have shown that children who have a strong bond with their parents become more confident, independent young people.  They are not afraid to be independent because they know if something goes really wrong, there will always be someone to fall back on.   As opposed to a child who has had "independence" forced upon them, who will only become more clingy, searching for their parents' love.

All in all, then, attachment parenting is about loving and nuturing your child with respect and compassion and using gentle parenting techniques.  How infinitely sad that TIME magazine has taken what could have been a great opportunity to educate people on this beautiful parenting philosophy, and turned it into a huge judgement statement that suggests that some mothers are "more mum" than others, turned it into a heated breastfeeding debate, turned it into YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

The whole point of attachment parenting to me is that YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH!  You are good enough to love your child and all they really need is your love. 

This morning on breastfast television they were discussing this cover and going on about breastfeeding being "the best start in life" and one of the women said "The thing that gives children the best start in life is love." 

That is what is really comes down to.  Love.  Teaching your child that it is ok to love, it is ok to feel strongly attached to another human being.  Because yes, attachment is risky to the heart - if you lose that person somehow, the pain will be immense.  But if we didn't allow ourselves to love, to be attached to people we care about - then what would life be?!  We have to run the risk of great pain in order to experience great love and joy.

There are many "ideals" of attachment parenting - co-sleeping, babywearing, breastfeeding.  But at the end of the day, you parent with love in the way that works for you.  My baby sleeps in her own room - but the slightest hint of a cry and I am there to rock and love her.  For short trips I take my baby in the carrier close to my chest - but for long trips I take her in the pram (with regular chats and kisses).  I feed my baby from a bottle - but whenever I feed her, I hold her in my arms and kiss her forehead.

I do not need to follow a list of "approved practices" in order to be "mum enough".  I parent my baby with all the love in my heart and teach her that I will ALWAYS be there for her and have her back.

I am all the mum my baby needs.

Accepting Imperfection

One of the biggest lessons of parenthood is about accepting imperfection.  Your own, your baby's... life's.  I am far from the perfect parent... every day when I go to bed I must forgive myself the many tiny imperfections of the way to parented that day.  Every day I have to accept things that haven't gone quite the way I would like, to accept a lack of control over events, circumstances, people... life.  To accept each moment as it is, not as I thought it should be.  To embrace mess and chaos.

Because I've come to realise that the perfect parent doesn't exist.  We're all just doing the best we know how and being the best we are able to be.  Because nobody is perfect and the sooner we accept imperfection in ourselves and others, the sooner we can truly be present to what IS, to appreciate the beauty that can be found in the speckled imperfections of life.

I have so many blog posts stored up in my head.  I can see how they look, how they sound, how the words flow perfectly.  But somehow I haven't written them down yet, because I know that when it comes to it, I won't be able to make them as perfect as the ideas in my head.  I know there will be flaws, places where I couldn't find quite the right picture, sentences that don't flow quite right.  And so it all goes unsaid, unwritten, because I can't accept my own imperfection.

From now on, I'm going to try to just embrace the imperfection.  To accept that I am MY version of a mother, MY version of a person, MY version of a writer - and that the imperfections are really the things that make us who we are, and that's ok.  I'm going to try to realise that life is better lived imperfectly out loud than perfectly in my head.

I think blog posts are much better with pictures - easier to read, more interesting.  This blog post doesn't have a picture.

Expect much more imperfection from me to come :-)

4-8 Months: The Big Move Out West

It is beyond time for an update!

We survived the great move across the desert to the wild wild west when bubba was 6 months old and have spent a couple of months settling in.  The house was ready almost as soon as we arrived and we moved in after only just over a week at Daddy C’s sisters’ house.  I’m loving the house, the area, the city, the weather – everything!  I even have a part time job Mondays to Wednesdays now, which is great for a bit of grown up time… not to mention pocket money!  I’ve also met a few local mums.  Daddy C has a high falutin new job and it’s safe to say the move is suiting us very well so far.

We still have a bit of furniture to buy to kit the house out and the front and back lawns need landscaping… so it will be fun to get those things underway and see the house come together over the next few months.

Bubba has grown up a crazy amount.  The difference between 4 months and 8 months is immense and amazing!  Seeing as I have let this blog lapse for far too long, I thought I would do a little month by month update of the last little while.

Baby on a Plane!

4 MONTHS: At four months, she was definitely still a baby.  She couldn’t sit unaided, roll or move and still hated tummy time.  We started a bit of spoon fed solids around 4.5 months which she absolutely loved.  Vocalising consisted mainly of squeals and some giggles.

4 months old and not to sure about this whole Christmas thing...

5 MONTHS: Right toward the end of five months, she started sitting forward a little bit when propped to sit on the couch.  However, she was definitely still way too unstable to sit on her own unsupported and there was still no rolling or movement.  She was still enjoying her spoon fed mash and was starting to try to steal the spoon to do it herself.  At the end of the month, we packed up the house in Melbourne, shipped our stuff, and then went to New Zealand for the week.  Her sleeping started becoming very disturbed during this period – I’m not sure if it was an age thing or if she was sensing all the changes happening, but we started having difficulty going to sleep and night time wake ups again (after sleeping through since 9 weeks old!).

5 months old and gorgeous :-)

6 MONTHS: Bubba had her 6 month birthday on the plane from New Zealand to Perth!  For the first week and a half, we stayed with Daddy C’s sister and niece while the house was being finalised.  During this time, a lot of things happened in bubbaland!  She started to prop herself up with her hands in a sitting position, although was still a little wobbly.  She learned to roll from back to tummy and started sleeping in a side-lying position.  And she got sick for the first time, with a head cold.  That was a particularly awful few days, all she did was cry and sleep and her nose was all stuffy.  She would sleep for only 30-40 minute periods before needing cuddles and consoling again, right around the clock.  It was exhausting and heartbreaking at the same time.  Luckily it only lasted for around 3-4 days until she was back to her happy self.  This was also the time that I weaned her from breastfeeding to bottle feeding, which was surprisingly easier than I expected, but I plan to write about this separately soon.

My poor sick baby :-(

By the end of the month, she was starting to sit better unaided , although still tended to fling herself backward without warning and get upset when she hit her head!  She was also rolling happily both ways.  We also got a highchair and began a fully Baby Led Weaning approach, with her eating only foods she could pick up herself.  She absolutely loves it and it’s surprising her manual dexterity in getting food to her mouth.

Beautiful clever girl at 6 months old

7 MONTHS: During this month, bubba’s sitting became much more confident, so that towards the end of the month, she was easily able to be plonked down in sitting position without fear that she would fall backward or sideways and hurt/stun herself.  She started moving around in circles while on her tummy.  And finally, a few days before her 8 month birthday, she figured out the inchworm maneouver!  This move has come in leaps and bounds from the moment she figured it out and she now scoots all over the place, mostly in attempt to get at the power cords and playstation controllers, which are far more interesting than her actual toys!

7 (almost 8) months old and learning to inchworm... all because she wants the power cords!

At around 7 months , Mum got her part time job and bubba started going to family daycare three days a week.  This is where another mother takes some children into her own home during the day, as opposed to using a big childcare centre.  I am really happy with this smaller, more one on one approach, the lady lives just around the corner from us, is absolutely lovely and I feel her approach to caring for babies is similar to mine.  I feel really happy leaving bubba there and I actually feel that she is thriving on all the stimulation and contact with new people and things.

Enjoying her food at family daycare!

8 MONTHS: Well, now bubba can commando crawl, there's no stopping her!  She may not have figured out the "all fours" concept yet, but her funny little dragging frog-swim motion gets her surprisingly far!  If it's on the ground, she's gonna find it... and probably try to eat it.  Speaking of eating, she loves her fingerfood and eats like it's going out of fashion - she prefers solids to a bottle most of the time!  She now has four full teeth and four little half-teeth inching their way out of her wee gums.  Her babbles consists mostly of "Dadadadad", "Mummmm!" and "bubub".  She loves a good chat!

My very cheeky monkey at 8 months old

 Some of her favourite things include: fresh plums and strawberries, power cords, harrasing the cat, turning down the surround sound while we're trying to watch TV, pulling mum's hair (and dad's!), trying to play with the Wii remotes, trying to eat paper... and basically anything that involves being a cheeky little wriggler or eating food!

Adjusting to parenthood has been a hard road for me.  I think I didn't realise in the beginning, having never spent much time with babies, how rewarding it would become.  She is such a little person now, and getting so big.  She is so funny and makes me laugh every day.  It's still hard and I still get frustrated every day too.  But she is beautiful and fun and crazy.  And now that I've walked the path, I even miss her snuggly little newborn days, despite the lack of sleep it came with, and wish I could go back and appreciate her more rather than be so wrapped up in my own struggle.

But I can't go back.  So I just love her now.  I'm not perfect... but she is, even when she's not.  She's growing up so fast, I can't even imagine what it will be like when she's walking and talking... but I guess I'll find out soon enough!

Where did my little baby go?!